Revolutionary War Saxophonist Sad He Was Left Out of “Spirit of ’76” Painting

76 Sax

Philadelphia, PA – Drooping his posture with a woeful melancholy expression, Revolutionary War saxophonist Nathaniel Irving Allengton was sad to learn he was left off the final version of The Sprint of ’76. “As I crossed hill and yonder dale, I felt the true calling of my duty to liberty and melody. Alas, I am forlorn to discover my smooth soulful tones  will cease over time as the others march on eternally through canvas,” proclaimed Allengton engulfed in his fate. “I mean damn, you don’t gotta be all dramatic, bro. I woulda kept you in if it was that big of a deal. Talk about a guilt trip!” stated Archibald Willard, painter of Spirit of ’76 who now can’t touch his Salisbury steak dinner. At press time, Allengton was on hill muttering something about Paul Revere forgetting to return him his riding bugle.

Easter Bunny Now Hiding Omelettes

Pocatello, ID – Sneaking around with the cunning of a mystery chef, the Easter Bunny added to his repertoire by hiding omelettes. “For so long, I’ve only hid eggs not giving much thought to the variety of options I had with them. I was at a Denny’s one morning and it hit me! Duh, omelettes!!” exclaimed the furry guardian of the seasonal renaissance. “And instead of different colored eggs, I can hide different styles of omelettes: Western, Neapolitan, Savoyarde, and of course, my personal favorite… plain.” Mrs. May Shaw, a Pocatello resident, commented on this new vernal culinary tradition by stating, “I don’t know how I feel about my kids looking for omelettes on Easter Morning. Now, looking for hash browns… that’s how we do in Idaho!”  At press time, the Easter Bunny was already prepping for next year by trying to whip up a quiche.

Valet Upset Your Car Couldn’t Form Perfect Geometric Doughnut


Portland, OR – Pouting like a 7-year-old who was denied ice-cream before supper, college sophomore and part-time valet Danny Shroder was upset your car couldn’t form a perfect geometric doughnut. “Dude, I take Advanced Geometry, bro. I know what a 360 looks like.  Your clunker made more of a an oval or something  twerpy  like that, dude. Like, so weak, bro!” spouted the 19-year-old self-proclaimed Einstein. “I can make an isosceles triangle with my Uncle Dave’s old Pontiac! C’mon, bro. Step your wheel game up. I dunno even know why I work here.” At press time, the hotel Shroder worked for dropped his scholarship payment-match benefit and reassigned him to cookie arranger.

Driver’s License Photographer Really Pushing It With That Squeaky Toy


Queens, NY –  Frozen in a stone-face pose while leering with eyes filled with the fury of seventh layer of hell, 42-year-old William Whitmore really thinks the driver’s license photographer is pushing it with that squeaky toy. “I just need to renew my freakin’ license!! I swear to every sacred artifact on this planet, if this guy squeezes that damn purple elephant and asks ‘who wants a peanut?’ one more time, I will shove that camera where the flash won’t shine!” exclaimed a fire engine red-faced Whitmore to himself. “Alrighty! Look right here! Quick… what does the elephant say? Pfffftttttt!!! Pfffttttttt!!!! Oops! Got a little spit on ya. Okay, smile!!” announces Jimmy Blake right before he snaps his twelve picture. At press time, William Whitmore was posing for an overly excited mugshot photographer playing peek-a-boo.

USPS Employee More Than Happy To Re-lick Your Envelope For You

Mailman tongue

Tacoma, WA – Smiling with a cheerfulness not seen since he was able to get his mail truck up to 30 mph on the highway, mail carrier Hank Armstrong was more than happy to re-lick Patti Miley’s envelope closed for her. “I know how tricky these things can be. You just gotta give it big old wet one!” declared Armstrong as his tongue hit the envelope like a tropical frog catching a dragonfly, “Ohhhh, this one tastes’s like strawberry too!” Standing by in state of disbelief as if she just saw Michael Jordan dunk from the foul line, Miley somehow managed to reply, “Actually, these particular envelopes have no flavor, but I ate a red Starburst candy right before I tried sealing the envelope.” At press time, Armstrong was attempting to slobber-close an entire box of records Miley’s neighbor was overnighting to Chicago.

After Resigning, Scott Pruitt Asks Staff To Help Him Find New Job


Washington, D.C. – Without wasting a second of his time after his resignation and in true D.C. political fashion, disgraced former EPA Chief Scott Pruitt asked his staff to help him find a new job. “My staff did wonders helping my wife get the hook-up for a new high-end gig so, naturally they were the first people I would ask, ” said the morally corrupt yet strangely innocent-faced Pruitt as if he had no concept of the ethical nightmare he caused. “What no good? Oh, the resignation thing. Yeah. Uhhh… is that Robert Mueller behind you? What? No, I wasn’t going to lie about Mueller being behind you and run away. Ha, I was just kidding around! Wait.. crap that is Robert Mueller behind you. Wow, talk about serendipity!” At press time, Pruitt’s staff was not laughing at his poor attempt to fool them with the is-that-Robert-Mueller-behind-you-trick, but was laughing that Robert Mueller was really behind them coming for Scott Pruitt.

Mail Carrier Doesn’t Understand Why You Don’t Just Use Email.

Fort Collins, CO– Faced with a non-figurative uphill battle while not understanding the need to pretty much wear combat boots with the uniform, exhausted mail carrier Rita Morone doesn’t understand why you don’t just use email.  “Seriously? I have to bust my ass because Sally Somebody wants to relive the dark ages and hand write… not even type… a freakin’ letter to her cousin Berti?! Can she not afford AOL dial up? They used to give out free CDs of it in cereal boxes!” exclaimed Morone who’s face now appears to match that of the Night on Bald Mountain demon from Fantasia. “Oh, look at that! No return address! Guess this one can go right up your ass Sally!!” At press time, Morone was developing her own brand of air mail by folding letters into paper airplanes and throwing them out the window of her mail truck.