ONE LINERS: SHERLOCK HOLMES, BUMBLE, STAR WARS, VEGETABLES, CAMPING & MORE!!!

Did Sherlock Holmes’ friends call him “Sherly”?

My upstairs neighbor must have changed her name to “Done”. Everyday I hear her on phone shouting, “I’m done! I’m done!!”

They never mentioned bathing in Star Wars. You’d think somebody would say, “I just fought dozens of drooling slimy alien monsters. I may want to go wash up.”

Bumble has changed from meeting singles to meeting specialty drinks and dogs. I also learned 50 new yoga poses today. 

I was going to take the bus to work, but it wouldn’t fit in my briefcase. 

“The Jersey Shore is the place to be this summer!” – Pollution

The original title George Lucas had for the Star Wars Christmas Special was Return of the Ugly Sweater That Aunt Gladys Bought. It was a bit wordy. 

My upstairs neighbors are into clogging, and I don’t mean the pipes. Actually, they do that too.

Not every lie is bad. For example, it’s a good thing say to yourself, “These vegetables are delicious.”

Everybody hates global warming until they go camping.

One Liners: Casual Friday, Emojis, Chipotle, Steven A. Smith, the Tour de France and More!!!

I liked to know what casual Friday is like at the Playboy offices.

The funny part about Spike Lee backing young filmmakers is that they all gentrified his neighborhood.

I can’t keep up with modern society. I just typo’d an emoji.

There shouldn’t be such a thing as potato salad. You can’t make a salad out of the same stuff you make French Fries from.

Sales of legal marijuana in Colorado have reached over $200 mil. You know the country is broke when it has to start selling weed to pay the bills!

Stephen A. Smith says things as if nobody believes him.

I try to buy Halloween costumes that I can get some real life use out of after.

They should combine Chipotle with speed dating: “White Rice or brown? And are you into pottery?”

Jamal Charles should just merge his name into “Jamarles”.

I’ll care more about the Tour de France when they use unicycles.

One Liners: Birdbox, Scaffolding, Sherlock Holmes, Black Friday, #AMA, Star Wars, & More!

Birdbox is about not being able to see. So to honor the film, I won’t watch it.

The concept of “force projection” in the Star Wars universe is the equivalent to working from home in ours. 

I feel guilty that I’m on my phone too much. So instead of Siri I have “Sorri”. 

Why is it “gubernatorial” race? Why can’t it be “governortorial” race? 

Dating is hard. Not only am I competing for her attention from other people but also from dogs! Don’t think so? When was the last time a woman cried for no reason when you passed them on the street?

I don’t care what you say. If Sherlock Holmes had a car, he’d still lose his keys.

I saved the most money on Black Friday by not buying anything.

I did my own #AMA.  The only question I was asked was, “Why are you doing this ?”

I don’t trust somebody who says “I’m as honest as the day is long” on the day we turn the clocks back.

Maybe one day they’ll tear down all the buildings in New York and just replace them with scaffolding… If that’s not what they’re doing already.

 

One Liners: Joe Biden, LEGOs, Escape From New York, Amazon Drones, the NYC Subway & more!

“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on smart phone made by science.

When they reboot Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?

The other day I was all itchy. Think it was from my last batch of laundry. Maybe something in the laundromat? I’m just gonna wash my clothes in Benadryl from now on. 

I’m hoping Amazon Drone technology could be used to carry medicine to poor countries and not just to deliver your “like new” copy of Eat Pray Love.

Irony would be learning the first Amazon Drone order is a copy of George Orwell’s 1984. 

Why is the subway ride so looooooong?! I live in Brooklyn, not Delaware!

I spent 20 minutes the other day trying to correct my friend that W. Houston Street is not “Whitney Houston Street”.

Today’s forecast was hot with a chance of not making any light while taking a cab to job number two.

At age 75, Joe Biden doesn’t mind if you think he’s too old to run for President. However, he does mind if you forget to give him a senior discount when Avengers 4 comes out.

Scene 1: A Bar

Priest: Jesus could walk on water.

Rabbi: Let’s see him walk across LEGO pieces.

 

One Liners: Bert & Ernie, Facebook, Batman, Poutine, Bloodhounds, & More!!

You have to give Bert and Ernie credit for being the first gay couple to gentrify a ghetto before it was cool.

I heard they were changing the name of Facebook to “See, I told you so.”

While ordering, I made the mistake of pronouncing two different Ns in “poutine”.

I fear for this country. I’m basing this on people’s lack of respect for public bathrooms.

DC Comics confirmed Batman is an atheist. If we are going to get technical, Batman isn’t real either… so there!

Thunder is just God’s way of saying “Get in the goddamn house!”

What if it was the San Diego TidePadres?

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French. Do I say,  “God bless you.”  or does she say “Pardon my French.”?

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

 

 

One Liners: Superman, Umbrellas, Mr. Ed, Robots, Bikes in NYC, Banksy, Plumbing, & More!

Superman is strong but I bet if he stepped on a Lego piece, he’d feel it.

I think they’re making umbrellas disposable and not telling anybody.

I wonder if the people who design my office’s plumbing knew the pipes were supposed to HOLLOW!!!

We all thought robots would be like Rosie from the Jetsons or R2-D2. But they’re more like the Terminator. I swear if they find out how many times I cursed out my appliances, I’m in trouble! 

So Ed was Mr. Ed’s last name?

I dunno, but after Banksy’s self destructing painting, we might have to call Scooby-Doo and the gang to find out who he really is.

These dating apps aren’t working out. I’m just going to have to meet girls the old fashion way… Stand in front of some fancy looking car and take a selfie and pretend it’s mine.

I overhead this guy have a conversation with somebody about the three types of entertainment. I’m going to venture a guess that his discussion doesn’t fall into any of the three categories.

BEFORE YOU GET A BIKE IN NYC: “I’m going save a lot of money plus it’s green for the environment and I’ll get a good workout.”

AFTER YOU GET A BIKE IN NYC: “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!! TRAFFIC LAWS DON’T APPLY TO ME!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

 

One Liners: Bob Ross, TMNT, Rick Astley, Driver-less Cars, Marisa Tomei, the 10 Commandments, and More!

Marisa Tomei-tos isn’t a thing yet?

What if you mixed Rick Astley with Afroman? “Never gonna give you up… cuz I got high. Never gonna let you down… cuz I got high!”

Do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have a permit or a license to drive the party van? I mean they are teenagers.

I really don’t want them to make driver-less cars. Who am I going to give the finger to?

Coors’ slogan is “Not all history comes in books.” Meaning when you’re drinking Coors, you’ll have a memorable time. Of course, if you’ve been drinking the whole time, you won’t remember anything at all. Their slogan should be, “Here’s to a night you’ll never forget. Yes you will… Probably by morning.”

If I’m going to paint like Bob Ross, I’m going to need extra shifts at work. Paint is expensive and Titanium White goes fast.

We live in an age where we communicate more through texts, tweets, and other social media posts. The tone of the message can end up being lost. For all we know, God could have been sarcastic when he dictated the 10 Commandments.

I’m not giving you my phone number, Facebook. Why don’t you give me your number, and I’ll call you?

Figures. I can finally grow in the rest of my beard and it’s coming in grey. That’s what happens when you hit puberty in your mid 30s.

Don’t call me pal or buddy. Respect me as a man! Or you’re not invited to my birthday party.