Pocatello, ID – Sneaking around with the cunning of a mystery chef, the Easter Bunny added to his repertoire by hiding omelettes. “For so long, I’ve only hid eggs not giving much thought to the variety of options I had with them. I was at a Denny’s one morning and it hit me! Duh, omelettes!!” exclaimed the furry guardian of the seasonal renaissance. “And instead of different colored eggs, I can hide different styles of omelettes: Western, Neapolitan, Savoyarde, and of course, my personal favorite… plain.” Mrs. May Shaw, a Pocatello resident, commented on this new vernal culinary tradition by stating, “I don’t know how I feel about my kids looking for omelettes on Easter Morning. Now, looking for hash browns… that’s how we do in Idaho!” At press time, the Easter Bunny was already prepping for next year by trying to whip up a quiche.
Portland, OR – Pouting like a 7-year-old who was denied ice-cream before supper, college sophomore and part-time valet Danny Shroder was upset your car couldn’t form a perfect geometric doughnut. “Dude, I take Advanced Geometry, bro. I know what a 360 looks like. Your clunker made more of a an oval or something twerpy like that, dude. Like, so weak, bro!” spouted the 19-year-old self-proclaimed Einstein. “I can make an isosceles triangle with my Uncle Dave’s old Pontiac! C’mon, bro. Step your wheel game up. I dunno even know why I work here.” At press time, the hotel Shroder worked for dropped his scholarship payment-match benefit and reassigned him to cookie arranger.
I liked to know what casual Friday is like at the Playboy offices.
The funny part about Spike Lee backing young filmmakers is that they all gentrified his neighborhood.
I can’t keep up with modern society. I just typo’d an emoji.
There shouldn’t be such a thing as potato salad. You can’t make a salad out of the same stuff you make French Fries from.
Sales of legal marijuana in Colorado have reached over $200 mil. You know the country is broke when it has to start selling weed to pay the bills!
Stephen A. Smith says things as if nobody believes him.
I try to buy Halloween costumes that I can get some real life use out of after.
They should combine Chipotle with speed dating: “White Rice or brown? And are you into pottery?”
Jamal Charles should just merge his name into “Jamarles”.
I’ll care more about the Tour de France when they use unicycles.
Birdbox is about not being able to see. So to honor the film, I won’t watch it.
The concept of “force projection” in the Star Wars universe is the equivalent to working from home in ours.
I feel guilty that I’m on my phone too much. So instead of Siri I have “Sorri”.
Why is it “gubernatorial” race? Why can’t it be “governortorial” race?
Dating is hard. Not only am I competing for her attention from other people but also from dogs! Don’t think so? When was the last time a woman cried for no reason when you passed them on the street?
I don’t care what you say. If Sherlock Holmes had a car, he’d still lose his keys.
I saved the most money on Black Friday by not buying anything.
I did my own #AMA. The only question I was asked was, “Why are you doing this ?”
I don’t trust somebody who says “I’m as honest as the day is long” on the day we turn the clocks back.
Maybe one day they’ll tear down all the buildings in New York and just replace them with scaffolding… If that’s not what they’re doing already.
Queens, NY – Frozen in a stone-face pose while leering with eyes filled with the fury of seventh layer of hell, 42-year-old William Whitmore really thinks the driver’s license photographer is pushing it with that squeaky toy. “I just need to renew my freakin’ license!! I swear to every sacred artifact on this planet, if this guy squeezes that damn purple elephant and asks ‘who wants a peanut?’ one more time, I will shove that camera where the flash won’t shine!” exclaimed a fire engine red-faced Whitmore to himself. “Alrighty! Look right here! Quick… what does the elephant say? Pfffftttttt!!! Pfffttttttt!!!! Oops! Got a little spit on ya. Okay, smile!!” announces Jimmy Blake right before he snaps his twelve picture. At press time, William Whitmore was posing for an overly excited mugshot photographer playing peek-a-boo.
“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on smart phone made by science.
When they reboot Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?
The other day I was all itchy. Think it was from my last batch of laundry. Maybe something in the laundromat? I’m just gonna wash my clothes in Benadryl from now on.
I’m hoping Amazon Drone technology could be used to carry medicine to poor countries and not just to deliver your “like new” copy of Eat Pray Love.
Irony would be learning the first Amazon Drone order is a copy of George Orwell’s 1984.
Why is the subway ride so looooooong?! I live in Brooklyn, not Delaware!
I spent 20 minutes the other day trying to correct my friend that W. Houston Street is not “Whitney Houston Street”.
Today’s forecast was hot with a chance of not making any light while taking a cab to job number two.
At age 75, Joe Biden doesn’t mind if you think he’s too old to run for President. However, he does mind if you forget to give him a senior discount when Avengers 4 comes out.
Scene 1: A Bar
Priest: Jesus could walk on water.
Rabbi: Let’s see him walk across LEGO pieces.
You have to give Bert and Ernie credit for being the first gay couple to gentrify a ghetto before it was cool.
I heard they were changing the name of Facebook to “See, I told you so.”
While ordering, I made the mistake of pronouncing two different Ns in “poutine”.
I fear for this country. I’m basing this on people’s lack of respect for public bathrooms.
DC Comics confirmed Batman is an atheist. If we are going to get technical, Batman isn’t real either… so there!
Thunder is just God’s way of saying “Get in the goddamn house!”
What if it was the San Diego TidePadres?
This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French. Do I say, “God bless you.” or does she say “Pardon my French.”?
Can bloodhounds get lost?
They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”.