One Liners: Joe Biden, LEGOs, Escape From New York, Amazon Drones, the NYC Subway & more!

“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on smart phone made by science.

When they reboot Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?

The other day I was all itchy. Think it was from my last batch of laundry. Maybe something in the laundromat? I’m just gonna wash my clothes in Benadryl from now on. 

I’m hoping Amazon Drone technology could be used to carry medicine to poor countries and not just to deliver your “like new” copy of Eat Pray Love.

Irony would be learning the first Amazon Drone order is a copy of George Orwell’s 1984. 

Why is the subway ride so looooooong?! I live in Brooklyn, not Delaware!

I spent 20 minutes the other day trying to correct my friend that W. Houston Street is not “Whitney Houston Street”.

Today’s forecast was hot with a chance of not making any light while taking a cab to job number two.

At age 75, Joe Biden doesn’t mind if you think he’s too old to run for President. However, he does mind if you forget to give him a senior discount when Avengers 4 comes out.

Scene 1: A Bar

Priest: Jesus could walk on water.

Rabbi: Let’s see him walk across LEGO pieces.

 

One Liners: Oreos, Bloodhounds, Dating Apps, April Fools Day, Escape From New York, Sneezing, and More!!

I’m starting to realizing on these dating apps “Hi, you look different in all your pictures,” isn’t a good pick up line. 

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French.

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

If you’re going to genetically modify vegetables, please turn them into Oreos

Just cooked myself a real man’s dinner: steak, beans, mushrooms in an A1 sauce. Now, I’m gonna go chop a tree down with my bare hands.

“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on a smart phone made by science.

For the reboot of Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?

I wish Trump would just type his thoughts on Snapchat so it would go away.

I never make a New Year’s resolution to diet. Instead, I make an April Fools Day resolution to diet. So, when I screw it up, I can just tell everyone I was kidding.

 

One Liners: Koalas, Dominos Pizza, The Subway, Trump’s Border Wall, $11 Smoothies, Dad Bod & More!

I prefer to date women who don’t use the word “seriously” twice in the same sentence. 

It’s so hot outside the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

At this point, we need a middle of the road President. We’re too divided, and we don’t know what’s true any more. Either that or a cute Koala bear. Something everybody likes.

I just saw Trump raising money for his border wall by selling candy on the subway. 

We need better mirrors for women to take selfies in front of because that toilet clashes with their shoes. 

I don’t have any kids but I do have dad bod. Where’s my neck tie??

The MTA will roll out a new payment system that will replace MetroCards. How about a no-pay system? And clean up the urine stench while you’re at it. 

Today’s bus ride is brought to you by the woman’s conversation behind me and the louder guy telling her to be quiet.

I bought a smoothie. It was $11. I don’t know why. It all just happened so fast.

Dominos Pizza is trash, but if they fix the subway, I will eat it for an eternity.

 

One Liners: IHOb, Dennis Rodman, the North Korean Summit, the CIA, Justin Trudeau, and More!

Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore early for the North Korea Summit . Makes sense. Power forwards are normally down the court first anyway.

I bet the Wilpons are anxious to find the Mets some North Korean pitching prospects.

That’s not Dennis Rodman; that’s Trumps’ attitude in human form. You know the one he was going to use for his North Korea Summit talks?

I’ll only eat these IHOb burgers if the buns are made from two pancakes.

How long before Crying Rodman replaces the Crying Jordan meme?

Justin Trudeau’s eyebrow didn’t fall off. To paraphrase Jay-Z “Is it ever gonna fall off? Noooo.”

Who got around more: The Beach Boys or Tupac?

I follow the CIA on Twitter just so they can see how it feels

Has anyone successfully gone on a second date from a dating app and if so, how much did you beg?

Drew Brees should play Dr. Who Dat.

One Liners: OK Go, SpaceX, Alice Cooper, Solar Panels, & More!

OK Go is not a dating app for traffic cops.

There a lot of these “super-tall” skyscrapers going up around the world. One day you won’t need a spaceship to go the moon, just an elevator!

The doctor said my cholesterol is slightly high. When it reaches Cheech & Chong status, I’ll worry.

I heard a rumor the Apple wants to buy SpaceX. So, they’ll have Final Cut X, iPhone X and SpaceX? XXX, huh?

I drove past a solar panel installation shop, but there were no solar panels on the roof. I’m not shopping there.

A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y and sometimes Pluto.

It’s one thing to get snubbed for an award but another thing for the “In Remembrance” video.

The next NBC musical should be Alice Cooper in Wonderland.

Remember, JebsBush.com is a totally different website.

Her dating app profile says she’s new in town, but she has sunglasses on in all her pictures. I’m starting to think she may just be on the run.

 

 

New VA Secretary Ronny Jackson Somehow Determines All Veterans Are 6’3″, 239lbs.

Washington D.C. – After sadly being named the new VA Secretary, former Trump doctor Ronny Jackson’s first order business was for some reason determining that all veterans are 6’3″, 239 lbs. “Oh really? That’s the same height and weight I announced for the president? Wow, that’s…  uhh… pretty amazing, right? Well, those were my numbers. It’s not like I just use the same numbers I randomly make up for everything. Ha! Imagine if I did that? Funny right? … Guys?” stated the red-faced Jackson who apparently isn’t qualified to play poker either.   “In all my years of medicine, I’ve never witnessed a doctor given an opportunity he or she was clearly unqualified and inexperienced for… Unless you count Ben Carson.” said Dr. Richard Adams, chief of staff at Howard University Hospital and Persian Gulf Veteran. At press time, Jackson was trying to determine what color lollipops he should keep in his office next to the fake plant by the window and oversized fish tank with only two fish in it.

 

One Liners: Project Runway, Lo Mein, Tupac, Rick Astley, & More!

What if Project Runway was a show about new airports?

So Trump fired James Comey, the man who is investigating him. I did Nazi that coming.

Those Lo Mein noodles were terrible. More like “Lo Meintenance” noodles if you ask me.

I was listening to Tupac earlier on my Sony Woke-man.

You’d think after 100+ yrs of motor vehicles and mass transit we’d figure out how to deal with snow on the ground.

What if you mixed Rick Astley with Afroman? “Never gonna give you up… cuz I got high. Never gonna let you down… cuz I got high.”

My name spelled backwards is the same except I don’t face you when I spell it.

If we could use the same effort it takes to leak new albums and spoil summer movies to expose corruption and terrorism, the world would be a safer place.

I feel like The Walking Dead is based off the time it takes me to get to the bathroom after I get out of bed.

You wouldn’t need a museum a native culture if you didn’t wipe it all out. There’s no museums on the suburbs of New Jersey.