Mosquito Only Interested in Gluten-Free Humans

Ocean, NJ – Realizing the options for sustenance where not up to par with its nutritional prerogative, a mosquito decided to skip lunch Saturday because it was only interested in gluten-free humans. “I’m if going maintain my summer weight goals, I’m better served by avoiding humans containing gluten, explained the health conscientious but somewhat pretentious mosquito. “Big Pharma and some hexapod invertebrates may want you believe that gluten only affects those with an intestinal condition, but my late-night blog reading has alerted me to the threat of a gluten-based human diet. Yes, I realize I do not have intestines. But, I tell you after sucking the blood of a human chock full of gluten, especially type A-, all that weight goes right to my wings!” At press time, the mosquito seemed to change its tune due to the munchies caused by a citronella contact high.

One Liners: Koalas, Dominos Pizza, The Subway, Trump’s Border Wall, $11 Smoothies, Dad Bod & More!

I prefer to date women who don’t use the word “seriously” twice in the same sentence. 

It’s so hot outside the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

At this point, we need a middle of the road President. We’re too divided, and we don’t know what’s true any more. Either that or a cute Koala bear. Something everybody likes.

I just saw Trump raising money for his border wall by selling candy on the subway. 

We need better mirrors for women to take selfies in front of because that toilet clashes with their shoes. 

I don’t have any kids but I do have dad bod. Where’s my neck tie??

The MTA will roll out a new payment system that will replace MetroCards. How about a no-pay system? And clean up the urine stench while you’re at it. 

Today’s bus ride is brought to you by the woman’s conversation behind me and the louder guy telling her to be quiet.

I bought a smoothie. It was $11. I don’t know why. It all just happened so fast.

Dominos Pizza is trash, but if they fix the subway, I will eat it for an eternity.

 

Summer Officially Started When Facebook Friend Complained How Hot It Was Outside

Manalapan, NJ – Despite what the calendar companies printed for June 21st, summer officially started three days prior as a Facebook friend complained how hot it was outside. “Ughhh, it is so hot outside I don’t even feel like moving!” Facebook friend Jessica McCare tapped away on her phone’s keypad before mistakenly adding a teary-eyed laughing emoji thinking it was a sweating emoji. “Dude, this weather is so not cool… like literally bro, not cool at all! Yo honestly, I can’t drive to the gym in this heat,” replied another Facebook friend Mark Metchin who was also the first to declare winter by stating how “freaking lame-ass cold” it was outside back on November 12th. At press time, the temperature dipped back to 72 degrees, and summer was just confirm over on SnapChat.

Tired Ceiling Fan Reminds Homeowners They Have Air Conditioning.

Freeport, NY – Exhausted from a long sweltering day of endless spinning in the blistering summer heat, a tired ceiling fan reminded the homeowners they have air conditioning. “Guys! Please… for the love of humanity… turn on the goddamn air conditioner!!! You installed the damn thing for this very reason!” exclaimed the desperate ceiling fan on the breaking point of making like a drone and flying away. “Honey, how does AC thing work? Do you plug it in? Does it take water?” asked a befuddled Jerry Pevney to his wife Myrna who was actually away at her sister’s until the winter months. At press time, the ceiling fan was spotted hiding in the freezer between the two-month-old pack of frozen broccoli and tinfoil-covered roast beef leftovers .