USPS Employee More Than Happy To Re-lick Your Envelope For You

Mailman tongue

Tacoma, WA – Smiling with a cheerfulness not seen since he was able to get his mail truck up to 30 mph on the highway, mail carrier Hank Armstrong was more than happy to re-lick Patti Miley’s envelope closed for her. “I know how tricky these things can be. You just gotta give it big old wet one!” declared Armstrong as his tongue hit the envelope like a tropical frog catching a dragonfly, “Ohhhh, this one tastes’s like strawberry too!” Standing by in state of disbelief as if she just saw Michael Jordan dunk from the foul line, Miley somehow managed to reply, “Actually, these particular envelopes have no flavor, but I ate a red Starburst candy right before I tried sealing the envelope.” At press time, Armstrong was attempting to slobber-close an entire box of records Miley’s neighbor was overnighting to Chicago.

Mail Carrier Doesn’t Understand Why You Don’t Just Use Email.

Fort Collins, CO– Faced with a non-figurative uphill battle while not understanding the need to pretty much wear combat boots with the uniform, exhausted mail carrier Rita Morone doesn’t understand why you don’t just use email.  “Seriously? I have to bust my ass because Sally Somebody wants to relive the dark ages and hand write… not even type… a freakin’ letter to her cousin Berti?! Can she not afford AOL dial up? They used to give out free CDs of it in cereal boxes!” exclaimed Morone who’s face now appears to match that of the Night on Bald Mountain demon from Fantasia. “Oh, look at that! No return address! Guess this one can go right up your ass Sally!!” At press time, Morone was developing her own brand of air mail by folding letters into paper airplanes and throwing them out the window of her mail truck.