One Liners: Joe Biden, LEGOs, Escape From New York, Amazon Drones, the NYC Subway & more!

“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on smart phone made by science.

When they reboot Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?

The other day I was all itchy. Think it was from my last batch of laundry. Maybe something in the laundromat? I’m just gonna wash my clothes in Benadryl from now on. 

I’m hoping Amazon Drone technology could be used to carry medicine to poor countries and not just to deliver your “like new” copy of Eat Pray Love.

Irony would be learning the first Amazon Drone order is a copy of George Orwell’s 1984. 

Why is the subway ride so looooooong?! I live in Brooklyn, not Delaware!

I spent 20 minutes the other day trying to correct my friend that W. Houston Street is not “Whitney Houston Street”.

Today’s forecast was hot with a chance of not making any light while taking a cab to job number two.

At age 75, Joe Biden doesn’t mind if you think he’s too old to run for President. However, he does mind if you forget to give him a senior discount when Avengers 4 comes out.

Scene 1: A Bar

Priest: Jesus could walk on water.

Rabbi: Let’s see him walk across LEGO pieces.

 

EXTRA! EXTRA! JUST EXTRA HEADLINES! 7-8-18

NotoffthePress Extra ExtraStop the Presses! Here are some EXTRA Headlines for July 8th, 2018:

 

SECRETARY OF LARPING IS SAFE FROM TRUMP FIRING BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS IT’S A THING

 

PATIENT NOT TAKING GUM-CHEWING DENTIST’S ADVICE SERIOUSLY

 

GENTRIFIER FROM BROOKLYN IRONICALLY PROTESTS COLUMBUS STATUE

 

FLAT SCREEN TV REALLY WANTS IMPLANTS

 

BODEGA CAT ALSO PARKS CARS ON WEEKEND

 

7-11 CLOSES SOMETIMES WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING

 

BARBER SHAVES MAN’S HEAD DOWN TO A NUB

 

BUS DRIVER INTRODUCES NEW JUMP, TUCK, AND ROLL DROP OFF 

 

PIGEONS JUST PATIENTLY WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT 

 

LOST ANCIENT SCROLLS TURNED OUT TO BE JUST JESUS’ RECIPE FOR A BLT

One Liners of the Day: Toupees, Elevators, Mark Hamill, Bridezillas, iPhones & More!

I don’t trust therapists with toupees. If they can’t get over their insecurities then how am I going to get over mine?

Not only did the elevator stop at every floor but it even stopped in between a floor just see what’s good.

I think it’s time Lin-Manuel Miranda and Mark Hamill unite to create “Hamill-ton”.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow. Make sure you overreacted today.

I consider myself a mature adult, but I still like to face the bathroom mirror and make my belly button talk like a monster.

A wedding dress shop for bridezillas called “Hellen Beck”.  So when you asked the bridesmaids, they can say “Oh, for that dress we went to Hellen Beck!”

We know when Jesus’ birthday is but when is Santa’s?

Vegan Steven: Even Steven’s health conscious cousin.

What happens when you don’t know the definition of the words in the definition?

The next iPhone should be called the iPhone O. Then they should switch back to the X. Then back to the O. XOXO 😘