EXTRA! EXTRA! JUST EXTRA HEADLINES! 7-11-19

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STOP THE PRESSES! HERE ARE SOME EXTRA HEADLINES FOR JULY 11TH, 2019:

 

FULL WATER BOTTLE KNOWS YOU SPENT MOST OF YOUR WORKOUT ON THE PHONE.

 

BALDING MAN IN DENIAL HE CAN’T GROW KICK ASS BEARD

 

TD BANK TELLER EATS ALL THE LOLLIPOPS ON HER FIRST DAY.

 

NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR USING PAPER SHREDDER AT 3AM

 

FAMILY DECIDES TO GO CAMPING FOR THE WEEKEND WHILE DOG BUSY CHASING ITS TAIL

 

CLARK KENT STILL UNRECOGNIZABLE AS SUPERMAN EVEN AFTER SWITCHING TO CONTACTS.

 

HOPING TO BREAK EVEN, NEW YORK KNICKS TO START SEASON WITH -82 LOSES

 

FLORIST BUYS SOME PLANTS TO SPRUCE UP THE OFFICE

 

MECHANIC ADMITS CHECK ENGINE LIGHT MEANS YOUR CAR SECRETLY RECORDED YOU SINGING SHOW-TUNES

 

ASSISTANT NEVER TOOK CLOTHES TO DRY CLEANERS. JUST SWAPPED OUT HANGARS INSTEAD.

 

 

 

 

 

EXTRA! EXTRA! JUST EXTRA HEADLINES! 6-26-19

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STOP THE PRESSES! HERE ARE SOME EXTRA HEADLINES FOR JUNE 26TH, 2019:

 

MICROWAVE STARTING TO HAVE “OVEN ENVY”

 

VERIZON SALESPERSON CAN’T BELIEVE CUSTOMER IS FALLING FOR THE OLD “USE A BANANA FOR A PHONE” GAG

 

FANS RELIEVED ENTIRE METS TEAM FORGOT THEY HAD A GAME TONIGHT

 

LOCAL POLICE OFFICER ACCIDENTALLY GIVES DRIVER CVS RECEIPT INSTEAD OF TICKET

 

PBS DISCOVERS LITTLE TREES WERE NOT AS HAPPY AS BOB ROSS CLAIMED

 

WIFE ANGRY THAT SPOUSE DOESN’T BELIEVE HER WHEN SHE SAYS SHE’S NOT ANGRY

 

PSYCHOLOGIST WAS ASLEEP THE WHOLE TIME YOU WERE TALKING

 

MAN AT GYM SWEARS TODAY WILL FINALLY BE LEG DAY

 

FLYING SQUIRRELS WERE BASE JUMPING BEFORE YOUR MANAGER BRAD THOUGHT IT WAS COOL

 

SUBWAY CONDUCTOR’S KEYS REALLY JUST TCHOTCHKES FROM BOARDWALK.

Summer Officially Started When Facebook Friend Complained How Hot It Was Outside

Manalapan, NJ – Despite what the calendar companies printed for June 21st, summer officially started three days prior as a Facebook friend complained how hot it was outside. “Ughhh, it is so hot outside I don’t even feel like moving!” Facebook friend Jessica McCare tapped away on her phone’s keypad before mistakenly adding a teary-eyed laughing emoji thinking it was a sweating emoji. “Dude, this weather is so not cool… like literally bro, not cool at all! Yo honestly, I can’t drive to the gym in this heat,” replied another Facebook friend Mark Metchin who was also the first to declare winter by stating how “freaking lame-ass cold” it was outside back on November 12th. At press time, the temperature dipped back to 72 degrees, and summer was just confirm over on SnapChat.

Man At Gym Tries To Play Off Fart As Noise From New Sneakers

Staten Island, NY – Despite having a face that looked redder than a fresh tomato, an embarrassed 32-year-old Chris Seagle, fought valiantly to play off his fart as a noise coming from his brand new gym sneakers. “Dude, I just bought these kicks last night at the mall, bro. I gotta break ‘em in, dude! They’re gonna make noise,” argued Seagle loudly who also tried to play off the fact his gym crush was behind him on the treadmill. “He tried so hard to be cool, but no one was buying it. He even went on to say how he only ate rice before his work out and rice is actually a natural bicarbonate,” laughed his friend Pete while taking down the girl on treadmill’s number. At press time, Chris Seagle was on the gym floor playing off stomach cramps as some kind of way of doing crunches sideways.