NOTP PODCAST: MO VIDA

 

Mo Vida IG

My guest this week on the Not Off The Press Podcast is stand up comedian Mo Vida! We talk about splitting time between performing in Denver and New York City,  hearing different points of view in comedy, and avoiding squirrel attacks in the park! Check out the show (and podcast) she co-produces called  The Black & White Cookie Show every third Friday of the month in Brooklyn!

One Liners: Bert & Ernie, Facebook, Batman, Poutine, Bloodhounds, & More!!

You have to give Bert and Ernie credit for being the first gay couple to gentrify a ghetto before it was cool.

I heard they were changing the name of Facebook to “See, I told you so.”

While ordering, I made the mistake of pronouncing two different Ns in “poutine”.

I fear for this country. I’m basing this on people’s lack of respect for public bathrooms.

DC Comics confirmed Batman is an atheist. If we are going to get technical, Batman isn’t real either… so there!

Thunder is just God’s way of saying “Get in the goddamn house!”

What if it was the San Diego TidePadres?

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French. Do I say,  “God bless you.”  or does she say “Pardon my French.”?

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

 

 

One Liners: Bob Ross, TMNT, Rick Astley, Driver-less Cars, Marisa Tomei, the 10 Commandments, and More!

Marisa Tomei-tos isn’t a thing yet?

What if you mixed Rick Astley with Afroman? “Never gonna give you up… cuz I got high. Never gonna let you down… cuz I got high!”

Do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have a permit or a license to drive the party van? I mean they are teenagers.

I really don’t want them to make driver-less cars. Who am I going to give the finger to?

Coors’ slogan is “Not all history comes in books.” Meaning when you’re drinking Coors, you’ll have a memorable time. Of course, if you’ve been drinking the whole time, you won’t remember anything at all. Their slogan should be, “Here’s to a night you’ll never forget. Yes you will… Probably by morning.”

If I’m going to paint like Bob Ross, I’m going to need extra shifts at work. Paint is expensive and Titanium White goes fast.

We live in an age where we communicate more through texts, tweets, and other social media posts. The tone of the message can end up being lost. For all we know, God could have been sarcastic when he dictated the 10 Commandments.

I’m not giving you my phone number, Facebook. Why don’t you give me your number, and I’ll call you?

Figures. I can finally grow in the rest of my beard and it’s coming in grey. That’s what happens when you hit puberty in your mid 30s.

Don’t call me pal or buddy. Respect me as a man! Or you’re not invited to my birthday party.

 

Summer Officially Started When Facebook Friend Complained How Hot It Was Outside

Manalapan, NJ – Despite what the calendar companies printed for June 21st, summer officially started three days prior as a Facebook friend complained how hot it was outside. “Ughhh, it is so hot outside I don’t even feel like moving!” Facebook friend Jessica McCare tapped away on her phone’s keypad before mistakenly adding a teary-eyed laughing emoji thinking it was a sweating emoji. “Dude, this weather is so not cool… like literally bro, not cool at all! Yo honestly, I can’t drive to the gym in this heat,” replied another Facebook friend Mark Metchin who was also the first to declare winter by stating how “freaking lame-ass cold” it was outside back on November 12th. At press time, the temperature dipped back to 72 degrees, and summer was just confirm over on SnapChat.

One Liners: Dating Apps, Social Media, Chuck E. Cheese, the Pulitzer Prize, & More!

It’s the social media era. Our heroes, have gone from role models to troll models.

This homeless guy on the train is the human form of talk radio. He’s covered everything from the government to Porzingas. I’m just waiting for the weather.

Forget dating apps. How about a break-up app? Swipe left; it’s over.

Facebook is launching a dating app? I thought Facebook was a dating app!

I’ve been on these dating apps for about two weeks now, and so far, my credit score is still the same. I don’t get it either.

Politics are like a rap battle. One minute your dissing each other, the next minute you’re doing albums together.

There’s a Pulitzer Prize for criticism. This is ironic in a world where everyone gets gets a trophy.

Sean Hannity: I only used Michael Cohen once, but I did not inhale.

This diet is great! I’m so hungry now, I’m eating more than before I went on it. 

On my dating app profile I listed “Will book Chuck E. Cheese Band for our wedding.” Too much or nah?