One Liners: Bert & Ernie, Facebook, Batman, Poutine, Bloodhounds, & More!!

You have to give Bert and Ernie credit for being the first gay couple to gentrify a ghetto before it was cool.

I heard they were changing the name of Facebook to “See, I told you so.”

While ordering, I made the mistake of pronouncing two different Ns in “poutine”.

I fear for this country. I’m basing this on people’s lack of respect for public bathrooms.

DC Comics confirmed Batman is an atheist. If we are going to get technical, Batman isn’t real either… so there!

Thunder is just God’s way of saying “Get in the goddamn house!”

What if it was the San Diego TidePadres?

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French. Do I say,  “God bless you.”  or does she say “Pardon my French.”?

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

 

 

One Liners: Aaron Boone, Skeletor, Dating Apps, Old Apartments, Clothes Pins, Sabermetrics, and More!

I’m going to start a dating app called Flakr so people won’t be disappointed when the date bails on you.

Aaron Boone’s managerial decisions have been tough this season. For example he was wondering what kind of grapes he should peel during the game and how many innings he can take a nap through. 

I live in an old apartment so, even when it’s clean it’s dirty. 

Sabermetric nerds be like: “Our math shows that walking is the key to winning a World Series.”

When it comes to art, at what point does modernism become outdated?

My dating strategy has shifted to standing on the sidewalk handing out flyers about myself.

I think Skeletor was mad because his face didn’t have skin.

The dating app Bumble has a premium account which costs extra money or just proof you own a yacht and deck shoes.

Things in NYC this have no meaning: Port Authority bus info, subway schedules, parking garage fee signs, affordable housing, and traffic safety rules for cyclists. 

There should be a clothes pin dispenser in every public bathroom. Just sayin’.

One Liners: IHOb, Dennis Rodman, the North Korean Summit, the CIA, Justin Trudeau, and More!

Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore early for the North Korea Summit . Makes sense. Power forwards are normally down the court first anyway.

I bet the Wilpons are anxious to find the Mets some North Korean pitching prospects.

That’s not Dennis Rodman; that’s Trumps’ attitude in human form. You know the one he was going to use for his North Korea Summit talks?

I’ll only eat these IHOb burgers if the buns are made from two pancakes.

How long before Crying Rodman replaces the Crying Jordan meme?

Justin Trudeau’s eyebrow didn’t fall off. To paraphrase Jay-Z “Is it ever gonna fall off? Noooo.”

Who got around more: The Beach Boys or Tupac?

I follow the CIA on Twitter just so they can see how it feels

Has anyone successfully gone on a second date from a dating app and if so, how much did you beg?

Drew Brees should play Dr. Who Dat.

One Liners: Dating Apps, Social Media, Chuck E. Cheese, the Pulitzer Prize, & More!

It’s the social media era. Our heroes, have gone from role models to troll models.

This homeless guy on the train is the human form of talk radio. He’s covered everything from the government to Porzingas. I’m just waiting for the weather.

Forget dating apps. How about a break-up app? Swipe left; it’s over.

Facebook is launching a dating app? I thought Facebook was a dating app!

I’ve been on these dating apps for about two weeks now, and so far, my credit score is still the same. I don’t get it either.

Politics are like a rap battle. One minute your dissing each other, the next minute you’re doing albums together.

There’s a Pulitzer Prize for criticism. This is ironic in a world where everyone gets gets a trophy.

Sean Hannity: I only used Michael Cohen once, but I did not inhale.

This diet is great! I’m so hungry now, I’m eating more than before I went on it. 

On my dating app profile I listed “Will book Chuck E. Cheese Band for our wedding.” Too much or nah?