One Liners: Bert & Ernie, Facebook, Batman, Poutine, Bloodhounds, & More!!

You have to give Bert and Ernie credit for being the first gay couple to gentrify a ghetto before it was cool.

I heard they were changing the name of Facebook to “See, I told you so.”

While ordering, I made the mistake of pronouncing two different Ns in “poutine”.

I fear for this country. I’m basing this on people’s lack of respect for public bathrooms.

DC Comics confirmed Batman is an atheist. If we are going to get technical, Batman isn’t real either… so there!

Thunder is just God’s way of saying “Get in the goddamn house!”

What if it was the San Diego TidePadres?

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French. Do I say,  “God bless you.”  or does she say “Pardon my French.”?

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

 

 

One Liners: Oreos, Bloodhounds, Dating Apps, April Fools Day, Escape From New York, Sneezing, and More!!

I’m starting to realizing on these dating apps “Hi, you look different in all your pictures,” isn’t a good pick up line. 

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French.

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

If you’re going to genetically modify vegetables, please turn them into Oreos

Just cooked myself a real man’s dinner: steak, beans, mushrooms in an A1 sauce. Now, I’m gonna go chop a tree down with my bare hands.

“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on a smart phone made by science.

For the reboot of Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?

I wish Trump would just type his thoughts on Snapchat so it would go away.

I never make a New Year’s resolution to diet. Instead, I make an April Fools Day resolution to diet. So, when I screw it up, I can just tell everyone I was kidding.