Unused McDonald’s Napkins Left Behind On Table Get Second Life As Garbage

Cranston, RI – Stranded all alone on a hard plastic and quite uncomfortable table at a local McDonald’s, a stack of unused napkins is about to get a second life as garbage. “I’m not using those. They’re going right in the trash. I don’t know what the person who left them there did to them. They could be diseased!” exclaimed Nancy Gleib who was about to sit down to eat a Fillet-O-Fish, large Diet Coke, large fry, and a 10-piece McNugget with Sweet and Sour sauce. “They may look new and safe but you gotta be careful because you can catch germs from touching other people’s leftover stuff. I gotta think about my health.” At press time, Gleib was getting an alert on her phone reminding her she is one hour late for her cardiologist appointment.

One Liners: Project Runway, Lo Mein, Tupac, Rick Astley, & More!

What if Project Runway was a show about new airports?

So Trump fired James Comey, the man who is investigating him. I did Nazi that coming.

Those Lo Mein noodles were terrible. More like “Lo Meintenance” noodles if you ask me.

I was listening to Tupac earlier on my Sony Woke-man.

You’d think after 100+ yrs of motor vehicles and mass transit we’d figure out how to deal with snow on the ground.

What if you mixed Rick Astley with Afroman? “Never gonna give you up… cuz I got high. Never gonna let you down… cuz I got high.”

My name spelled backwards is the same except I don’t face you when I spell it.

If we could use the same effort it takes to leak new albums and spoil summer movies to expose corruption and terrorism, the world would be a safer place.

I feel like The Walking Dead is based off the time it takes me to get to the bathroom after I get out of bed.

You wouldn’t need a museum a native culture if you didn’t wipe it all out. There’s no museums on the suburbs of New Jersey.

One Liners of the Day: Toupees, Elevators, Mark Hamill, Bridezillas, iPhones & More!

I don’t trust therapists with toupees. If they can’t get over their insecurities then how am I going to get over mine?

Not only did the elevator stop at every floor but it even stopped in between a floor just see what’s good.

I think it’s time Lin-Manuel Miranda and Mark Hamill unite to create “Hamill-ton”.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow. Make sure you overreacted today.

I consider myself a mature adult, but I still like to face the bathroom mirror and make my belly button talk like a monster.

A wedding dress shop for bridezillas called “Hellen Beck”.  So when you asked the bridesmaids, they can say “Oh, for that dress we went to Hellen Beck!”

We know when Jesus’ birthday is but when is Santa’s?

Vegan Steven: Even Steven’s health conscious cousin.

What happens when you don’t know the definition of the words in the definition?

The next iPhone should be called the iPhone O. Then they should switch back to the X. Then back to the O. XOXO 😘

Credit Card Company Tired Of Customer Paying Her Bill On Time

Garden City, KS – Angered by the computer ping sound showing payment has been received, credit card payment collector Steven Belchoi can’t stand it when cardholder Allison Greymore constantly pays her bill on time. “How can we possibly scam a profit if she always pays the full balance on time? And it’s always the full balance! If you’re going to pay on time, at least just pay the minimum balance owed so we can rip you off with the high interest rate!” argued an embittered Belchoi who showcased a corrupted soul. “She is supposed to be in crippling debt and at the mercy of her credit overlords. I thought this was America. I thought this was the country I knew.” At press time, Greymore was booking a month-long trip around the Mediterranean since she paid off her student loans five years ago.

High School Freshman’s Diary Has Better Security Than Nation’s Cyber Data

Laurel, MD – With the rage of a scorned Greek goddess and eyes blazing of brimstone fire, 15-year-old Vicky Whitley’s defense of her inner most secrets proved that this high school freshman’s diary has better security than the nation’s cyber data. “Oh my God, Billy, if you even think about opening my diary I swear I will scream for mom!  I’m gonna kill you! Give it back, Billy! Get out of my room!! Mommmm!!!” screeches the high school freshman as her piercing scream causes her diary to drop out of her older brother’s hand. “We’ve never see anything like it. If we can harness her power, we can protect the nation’s most sensitive data from foreign agents, hackers, and terrorists!” exclaimed an awestruck Richard Bergen of the NSA. At press time, Vicky can’t even with Bobby Ford because he’s being a jerk, but she wants him to ask her to the movies.

Doctor That Pantomimes Surgeries Sees Decline In Patients

Malibu, CA –  Sitting at his desk just staring blankly at his office phone, Dr. Mark Witherfield, a specialist that only pantomimes his surgeries is seeing a drastic decline in patients. “For a while there, it seemed to be going good. I was finally able to combine true medical and performance arts.” claims Dr. Witherfield, a John Hopkins graduate who is also a graduate of Clowns Without Borders. “I don’t get it. It worked for Patch Adams. Plus, surgery is actually pretty gross. This seemed like a win-win for me.” At press time, Dr. Witherfield was being sued for pretending to pull a string of tied handkerchiefs out of a patient’s gallbladder.

Construction Worker Is Baffled After Woman He Cat-called Showed Interest

New York, NY – After yelling out phrases that would make Larry Flynt blush, construction worker, James “The Big Wrench” Klein was completely baffled when a woman he cat-called showed him interest. “I’ve been whistling, barking, and yelling out to broads for the past 17 years and not one has ever hollered back. What do I do next?” asked a befuddled Klein while turning to his coworkers for answers. “She was supposed to keep walking after giving me the finger. I got a wife and three kids. I can’t actually do the things I said!” At press time, the woman offered to at least buy him a change of work pants to hide is visual embarrassment.