Bridgeport, CT – Believing this was his best and most likely last shot to make the trip smoother, 57 year-old bus driver Harry Latimer promised a sing-a-long if the commuters behave. “Now listen everyone, if we can all just settle down and be quiet, I promise for the rest of the trip we can sing ’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’ or even ‘The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round'”, exclaimed the desperate and frail Latimer who was one step away from turning the bus right back around. “And if everyone is really good, I will do a drive-thru run at McDonald’s. How does that sound?” At press time, Latimer could be seen sprinting across Route 130 while being pelted with Chicken McNuggets.
Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore early for the North Korea Summit . Makes sense. Power forwards are normally down the court first anyway.
I bet the Wilpons are anxious to find the Mets some North Korean pitching prospects.
That’s not Dennis Rodman; that’s Trumps’ attitude in human form. You know the one he was going to use for his North Korea Summit talks?
I’ll only eat these IHOb burgers if the buns are made from two pancakes.
How long before Crying Rodman replaces the Crying Jordan meme?
Justin Trudeau’s eyebrow didn’t fall off. To paraphrase Jay-Z “Is it ever gonna fall off? Noooo.”
Who got around more: The Beach Boys or Tupac?
I follow the CIA on Twitter just so they can see how it feels
Has anyone successfully gone on a second date from a dating app and if so, how much did you beg?
Drew Brees should play Dr. Who Dat.
I like when you get a notification on these dating apps and you get all excited and then it’s just an update to their terms of of service. Don’t tease my emotions, Bumble!!
I sneezed and somebody said God Bless You but he was an atheist so I feel it wasn’t very sincere.
What of a band called Africa made a song called “Toto”?
Good pick up for the Mets. Although, to get Jose Bautista, they had to make room on the IR.
Bartolo Colon is so old his full name was “Colony” before it was changed when came to America on the Mayflower. Or something.
You know you’re a sneaker head when you watch old TV shows from the 80s and look at the sneakers and wonder if they’re making those again.
We already had a royal wedding when Jay-Z married Beyoncé.
I don’t know, I feel shorter lately. Anybody else get that?
I feel like we men have a better shot at getting laid by texting pictures of the food we cooked instead of dick pics .
It’s only noise when you’re trying to be quiet. Other than that it’s just sound. #profound
New York, NY – Braving the downpour with a William Wallace-like stare of shear courage and ferocity, 48-yr-old accountant Stuart Anderson marched down 6th Ave. with his inside-out $10 umbrella determined to get his money’s worth. “No rains can stop us from forging ahead to the promise land! Our journey is the story they will all tell for years to come! We will not yield nor be smote in our pursuit of destiny!” shouted a riled up Anderson as he strode ahead of fellow pedestrians who he assumed would follow his lead. “I will lead you! Keep moving forward! I won’t stop… Ah dammit, that was puddle! Now my sock is wet through my shoe. Fuck this thing! Stupid-ass bodega umbrella!” At press time, the inside-out umbrella was rescued to be reused as a public art piece in SoHo.
Milford, DE – Counting down the footsteps until walking into her sister-in-law’s newly furnished living room, Ashley Hughes couldn’t wait to passive- aggressively tell her brother’s wife Kate how bad her decorating was. “Kate, I just love what you’ve done with the place considering you had so much time extra to think about it. I can tell you didn’t use a professional. That’s so… ‘daring’ of you,” said Hughes as a Grinch-like smile curled around her face like a mustache on a barbershop quartet singer. “You know Kate is almost like the sister I never had. Of course, if I had a sister, her sense in color would not be comparable to Puff Daddy video.” At press time, Kate was sorry not sorry for “accidentally” adding ipecac to Ashley’s frozen daiquiri and then “running out” of Tampax.
OK Go is not a dating app for traffic cops.
There a lot of these “super-tall” skyscrapers going up around the world. One day you won’t need a spaceship to go the moon, just an elevator!
The doctor said my cholesterol is slightly high. When it reaches Cheech & Chong status, I’ll worry.
I heard a rumor the Apple wants to buy SpaceX. So, they’ll have Final Cut X, iPhone X and SpaceX? XXX, huh?
I drove past a solar panel installation shop, but there were no solar panels on the roof. I’m not shopping there.
A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y and sometimes Pluto.
It’s one thing to get snubbed for an award but another thing for the “In Remembrance” video.
The next NBC musical should be Alice Cooper in Wonderland.
Remember, JebsBush.com is a totally different website.
Her dating app profile says she’s new in town, but she has sunglasses on in all her pictures. I’m starting to think she may just be on the run.
It’s the social media era. Our heroes, have gone from role models to troll models.
This homeless guy on the train is the human form of talk radio. He’s covered everything from the government to Porzingas. I’m just waiting for the weather.
Forget dating apps. How about a break-up app? Swipe left; it’s over.
Facebook is launching a dating app? I thought Facebook was a dating app!
I’ve been on these dating apps for about two weeks now, and so far, my credit score is still the same. I don’t get it either.
Politics are like a rap battle. One minute your dissing each other, the next minute you’re doing albums together.
There’s a Pulitzer Prize for criticism. This is ironic in a world where everyone gets gets a trophy.
Sean Hannity: I only used Michael Cohen once, but I did not inhale.
This diet is great! I’m so hungry now, I’m eating more than before I went on it.
On my dating app profile I listed “Will book Chuck E. Cheese Band for our wedding.” Too much or nah?