After Resigning, Scott Pruitt Asks Staff To Help Him Find New Job

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Washington, D.C. – Without wasting a second of his time after his resignation and in true D.C. political fashion, disgraced former EPA Chief Scott Pruitt asked his staff to help him find a new job. “My staff did wonders helping my wife get the hook-up for a new high-end gig so, naturally they were the first people I would ask, ” said the morally corrupt yet strangely innocent-faced Pruitt as if he had no concept of the ethical nightmare he caused. “What no good? Oh, the resignation thing. Yeah. Uhhh… is that Robert Mueller behind you? What? No, I wasn’t going to lie about Mueller being behind you and run away. Ha, I was just kidding around! Wait.. crap that is Robert Mueller behind you. Wow, talk about serendipity!” At press time, Pruitt’s staff was not laughing at his poor attempt to fool them with the is-that-Robert-Mueller-behind-you-trick, but was laughing that Robert Mueller was really behind them coming for Scott Pruitt.

Mail Carrier Doesn’t Understand Why You Don’t Just Use Email.

Fort Collins, CO– Faced with a non-figurative uphill battle while not understanding the need to pretty much wear combat boots with the uniform, exhausted mail carrier Rita Morone doesn’t understand why you don’t just use email.  “Seriously? I have to bust my ass because Sally Somebody wants to relive the dark ages and hand write… not even type… a freakin’ letter to her cousin Berti?! Can she not afford AOL dial up? They used to give out free CDs of it in cereal boxes!” exclaimed Morone who’s face now appears to match that of the Night on Bald Mountain demon from Fantasia. “Oh, look at that! No return address! Guess this one can go right up your ass Sally!!” At press time, Morone was developing her own brand of air mail by folding letters into paper airplanes and throwing them out the window of her mail truck.

 

One Liners: Aaron Boone, Skeletor, Dating Apps, Old Apartments, Clothes Pins, Sabermetrics, and More!

I’m going to start a dating app called Flakr so people won’t be disappointed when the date bails on you.

Aaron Boone’s managerial decisions have been tough this season. For example he was wondering what kind of grapes he should peel during the game and how many innings he can take a nap through. 

I live in an old apartment so, even when it’s clean it’s dirty. 

Sabermetric nerds be like: “Our math shows that walking is the key to winning a World Series.”

When it comes to art, at what point does modernism become outdated?

My dating strategy has shifted to standing on the sidewalk handing out flyers about myself.

I think Skeletor was mad because his face didn’t have skin.

The dating app Bumble has a premium account which costs extra money or just proof you own a yacht and deck shoes.

Things in NYC this have no meaning: Port Authority bus info, subway schedules, parking garage fee signs, affordable housing, and traffic safety rules for cyclists. 

There should be a clothes pin dispenser in every public bathroom. Just sayin’.

One Liners: Fourth of July, Nicki Minaj, Scott Pruitt, Urinals, Jason Voorhees, Dikembe Mutombo, and More!

You wanna get right up to the urinal, pal. This is an office bathroom not the male revue! 

My absent minded friend’s birthday is coming up. He’s so forgetful, he plans his own surprise parties. 

Scott Pruitt asked staff to find him a new job.  

Scott Pruitt can always help Santa out by putting coal in the bad kids’ stockings.

I saw an ad on Twitter for China’s state television. I blocked them so they know how it feels! So far that’s the CIA and China TV. Dikembe Mutumbo better be ready to get a finger wag. 

For Fourth of July this year, Nicki Minaj is setting off firetwerks. 

Townships down the Jersey Shore announced there will be no fireworks, but instead, they will be releasing a swarm of lightning bugs into the sky. 

Today’s forecast was hot with a chance of not making any light while taking a cab to job  number 2.

Jason Voorhees was just mad because he just wanted play hockey, but the lake wasn’t frozen during summer camp.

Why is the subway ride so looooooong?! I live in Brooklyn, not Delaware!

Mosquito Only Interested in Gluten-Free Humans

Ocean, NJ – Realizing the options for sustenance where not up to par with its nutritional prerogative, a mosquito decided to skip lunch Saturday because it was only interested in gluten-free humans. “I’m if going maintain my summer weight goals, I’m better served by avoiding humans containing gluten, explained the health conscientious but somewhat pretentious mosquito. “Big Pharma and some hexapod invertebrates may want you believe that gluten only affects those with an intestinal condition, but my late-night blog reading has alerted me to the threat of a gluten-based human diet. Yes, I realize I do not have intestines. But, I tell you after sucking the blood of a human chock full of gluten, especially type A-, all that weight goes right to my wings!” At press time, the mosquito seemed to change its tune due to the munchies caused by a citronella contact high.

One Liners: Koalas, Dominos Pizza, The Subway, Trump’s Border Wall, $11 Smoothies, Dad Bod & More!

I prefer to date women who don’t use the word “seriously” twice in the same sentence. 

It’s so hot outside the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

At this point, we need a middle of the road President. We’re too divided, and we don’t know what’s true any more. Either that or a cute Koala bear. Something everybody likes.

I just saw Trump raising money for his border wall by selling candy on the subway. 

We need better mirrors for women to take selfies in front of because that toilet clashes with their shoes. 

I don’t have any kids but I do have dad bod. Where’s my neck tie??

The MTA will roll out a new payment system that will replace MetroCards. How about a no-pay system? And clean up the urine stench while you’re at it. 

Today’s bus ride is brought to you by the woman’s conversation behind me and the louder guy telling her to be quiet.

I bought a smoothie. It was $11. I don’t know why. It all just happened so fast.

Dominos Pizza is trash, but if they fix the subway, I will eat it for an eternity.

 

Summer Officially Started When Facebook Friend Complained How Hot It Was Outside

Manalapan, NJ – Despite what the calendar companies printed for June 21st, summer officially started three days prior as a Facebook friend complained how hot it was outside. “Ughhh, it is so hot outside I don’t even feel like moving!” Facebook friend Jessica McCare tapped away on her phone’s keypad before mistakenly adding a teary-eyed laughing emoji thinking it was a sweating emoji. “Dude, this weather is so not cool… like literally bro, not cool at all! Yo honestly, I can’t drive to the gym in this heat,” replied another Facebook friend Mark Metchin who was also the first to declare winter by stating how “freaking lame-ass cold” it was outside back on November 12th. At press time, the temperature dipped back to 72 degrees, and summer was just confirm over on SnapChat.