One Liners: Bert & Ernie, Facebook, Batman, Poutine, Bloodhounds, & More!!

You have to give Bert and Ernie credit for being the first gay couple to gentrify a ghetto before it was cool.

I heard they were changing the name of Facebook to “See, I told you so.”

While ordering, I made the mistake of pronouncing two different Ns in “poutine”.

I fear for this country. I’m basing this on people’s lack of respect for public bathrooms.

DC Comics confirmed Batman is an atheist. If we are going to get technical, Batman isn’t real either… so there!

Thunder is just God’s way of saying “Get in the goddamn house!”

What if it was the San Diego TidePadres?

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French. Do I say,  “God bless you.”  or does she say “Pardon my French.”?

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

 

 

One Liners: Superman, Umbrellas, Mr. Ed, Robots, Bikes in NYC, Banksy, Plumbing, & More!

Superman is strong but I bet if he stepped on a Lego piece, he’d feel it.

I think they’re making umbrellas disposable and not telling anybody.

I wonder if the people who design my office’s plumbing knew the pipes were supposed to HOLLOW!!!

We all thought robots would be like Rosie from the Jetsons or R2-D2. But they’re more like the Terminator. I swear if they find out how many times I cursed out my appliances, I’m in trouble! 

So Ed was Mr. Ed’s last name?

I dunno, but after Banksy’s self destructing painting, we might have to call Scooby-Doo and the gang to find out who he really is.

These dating apps aren’t working out. I’m just going to have to meet girls the old fashion way… Stand in front of some fancy looking car and take a selfie and pretend it’s mine.

I overhead this guy have a conversation with somebody about the three types of entertainment. I’m going to venture a guess that his discussion doesn’t fall into any of the three categories.

BEFORE YOU GET A BIKE IN NYC: “I’m going save a lot of money plus it’s green for the environment and I’ll get a good workout.”

AFTER YOU GET A BIKE IN NYC: “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!! TRAFFIC LAWS DON’T APPLY TO ME!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

 

USPS Employee More Than Happy To Re-lick Your Envelope For You

Mailman tongue

Tacoma, WA – Smiling with a cheerfulness not seen since he was able to get his mail truck up to 30 mph on the highway, mail carrier Hank Armstrong was more than happy to re-lick Patti Miley’s envelope closed for her. “I know how tricky these things can be. You just gotta give it big old wet one!” declared Armstrong as his tongue hit the envelope like a tropical frog catching a dragonfly, “Ohhhh, this one tastes’s like strawberry too!” Standing by in state of disbelief as if she just saw Michael Jordan dunk from the foul line, Miley somehow managed to reply, “Actually, these particular envelopes have no flavor, but I ate a red Starburst candy right before I tried sealing the envelope.” At press time, Armstrong was attempting to slobber-close an entire box of records Miley’s neighbor was overnighting to Chicago.

One Liners: Bob Ross, TMNT, Rick Astley, Driver-less Cars, Marisa Tomei, the 10 Commandments, and More!

Marisa Tomei-tos isn’t a thing yet?

What if you mixed Rick Astley with Afroman? “Never gonna give you up… cuz I got high. Never gonna let you down… cuz I got high!”

Do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have a permit or a license to drive the party van? I mean they are teenagers.

I really don’t want them to make driver-less cars. Who am I going to give the finger to?

Coors’ slogan is “Not all history comes in books.” Meaning when you’re drinking Coors, you’ll have a memorable time. Of course, if you’ve been drinking the whole time, you won’t remember anything at all. Their slogan should be, “Here’s to a night you’ll never forget. Yes you will… Probably by morning.”

If I’m going to paint like Bob Ross, I’m going to need extra shifts at work. Paint is expensive and Titanium White goes fast.

We live in an age where we communicate more through texts, tweets, and other social media posts. The tone of the message can end up being lost. For all we know, God could have been sarcastic when he dictated the 10 Commandments.

I’m not giving you my phone number, Facebook. Why don’t you give me your number, and I’ll call you?

Figures. I can finally grow in the rest of my beard and it’s coming in grey. That’s what happens when you hit puberty in your mid 30s.

Don’t call me pal or buddy. Respect me as a man! Or you’re not invited to my birthday party.

 

One Liners: Oreos, Bloodhounds, Dating Apps, April Fools Day, Escape From New York, Sneezing, and More!!

I’m starting to realizing on these dating apps “Hi, you look different in all your pictures,” isn’t a good pick up line. 

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French.

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

If you’re going to genetically modify vegetables, please turn them into Oreos

Just cooked myself a real man’s dinner: steak, beans, mushrooms in an A1 sauce. Now, I’m gonna go chop a tree down with my bare hands.

“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on a smart phone made by science.

For the reboot of Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?

I wish Trump would just type his thoughts on Snapchat so it would go away.

I never make a New Year’s resolution to diet. Instead, I make an April Fools Day resolution to diet. So, when I screw it up, I can just tell everyone I was kidding.

 

EXTRA! EXTRA! JUST EXTRA HEADLINES! 7-8-18

NotoffthePress Extra ExtraStop the Presses! Here are some EXTRA Headlines for July 8th, 2018:

 

SECRETARY OF LARPING IS SAFE FROM TRUMP FIRING BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS IT’S A THING

 

PATIENT NOT TAKING GUM-CHEWING DENTIST’S ADVICE SERIOUSLY

 

GENTRIFIER FROM BROOKLYN IRONICALLY PROTESTS COLUMBUS STATUE

 

FLAT SCREEN TV REALLY WANTS IMPLANTS

 

BODEGA CAT ALSO PARKS CARS ON WEEKEND

 

7-11 CLOSES SOMETIMES WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING

 

BARBER SHAVES MAN’S HEAD DOWN TO A NUB

 

BUS DRIVER INTRODUCES NEW JUMP, TUCK, AND ROLL DROP OFF 

 

PIGEONS JUST PATIENTLY WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT 

 

LOST ANCIENT SCROLLS TURNED OUT TO BE JUST JESUS’ RECIPE FOR A BLT

EXTRA! EXTRA! JUST EXTRA HEADLINES! 7-7-18

NotoffthePress Extra ExtraStop the Presses! Here are some EXTRA Headlines for July 7th, 2018:

 

MISSING SOCK ALMOST GIVING UP HOPE OWNER WILL COME FIND HIM

 

FISH TIRED OF BEING TEASED BY FROG FOR BEING ABLE TO BREATHE ON THE LAND TOO

 

MOTHER ASSUMES CHILDREN HEAR HER TALKING WHILE WALKING INTO OTHER ROOM

 

GRANDMOTHER TRYING TO REPLY TO GRANDCHILDREN’S FACEBOOK MESSAGE THROUGH HER TYPEWRITER 

 

PET CAT JUST CAN’T SEEM TO KILL OWNER 

 

SECOND TWIX GOES ON MURDEROUS RAMPAGE FOR NOT BEING PICKED FIRST

 

LOCKSMITH JUST TOWS YOUR CAR AWAY AFTER LOCKING YOUR KEYS IN IT FOR THE 4TH TIME 

 

TWISTA’S TONGUE GETS TIED IN KNOT AFTER RAPPING TOO FAST

 

LAWMAKERS WANT TO BAN TEXTING AND WALKING UNLESS YOU ARE MOONWALKING

 

HUSBAND FINALLY CONVINCES WIFE STRAWBERRY-BASKET-RED PAINT IS JUST A BIT REDDER THAN RED