One Liners: Toto and Africa, Royal Wedding, Bartolo Colon, Sneezing with Atheists, Dating Apps, and More!

I like when you get a notification on these dating apps and you get all excited and then it’s just an update to their terms of of service. Don’t tease my emotions, Bumble!! 

I sneezed and somebody said God Bless You but he was an atheist so I feel it wasn’t very sincere.

What of a band called Africa made a song called “Toto”?

Good pick up for the Mets. Although, to get Jose Bautista, they had to make room on the IR. 

Bartolo Colon is so old his full name was “Colony” before it was changed when came to America on the Mayflower. Or something.

You know you’re a sneaker head when you watch old TV shows from the 80s and look at the sneakers and wonder if they’re making those again.

We already had a royal wedding when Jay-Z married Beyoncé.

I don’t know, I feel shorter lately. Anybody else get that?

I feel like we men have a better shot at getting laid by texting pictures of the food we cooked instead of dick pics .

It’s only noise when you’re trying to be quiet. Other than that it’s just sound. #profound

Man With Inside-Out $10 Umbrella Determined To Get His Money’s Worth.

New York, NY – Braving the downpour with a William Wallace-like stare of shear courage and ferocity, 48-yr-old accountant Stuart Anderson marched down 6th Ave. with his inside-out $10 umbrella determined to get his money’s worth. “No rains can stop us from forging ahead to the promise land! Our journey is the story they will all tell for years to come! We will not yield nor be smote in our pursuit of destiny!” shouted a riled up Anderson as he strode ahead of fellow pedestrians who he assumed would follow his lead. “I will lead you! Keep moving forward!  I won’t stop… Ah dammit, that was puddle! Now my sock is wet through my shoe. Fuck this thing! Stupid-ass bodega umbrella!” At press time, the inside-out umbrella was rescued to be reused as a public art piece in SoHo.

Sister-In-Law Can’t Wait To Passive-Agressively Tell Her Brother’s Wife She’s Bad At Decorating

Milford, DE – Counting down the footsteps until walking into her sister-in-law’s newly furnished living room, Ashley Hughes couldn’t wait to passive- aggressively tell her brother’s wife Kate how bad her decorating was. “Kate, I just love what you’ve done with the place considering you had so much time extra to think about it. I can tell you didn’t use a professional. That’s so… ‘daring’ of you,” said Hughes as a Grinch-like smile curled around her face like a mustache on a barbershop quartet singer. “You know Kate is almost like the sister I never had. Of course, if I had a sister, her sense in color would not be comparable to Puff Daddy video.” At press time, Kate was sorry not sorry for “accidentally” adding ipecac to Ashley’s frozen daiquiri and then “running out” of Tampax.

One Liners: OK Go, SpaceX, Alice Cooper, Solar Panels, & More!

OK Go is not a dating app for traffic cops.

There a lot of these “super-tall” skyscrapers going up around the world. One day you won’t need a spaceship to go the moon, just an elevator!

The doctor said my cholesterol is slightly high. When it reaches Cheech & Chong status, I’ll worry.

I heard a rumor the Apple wants to buy SpaceX. So, they’ll have Final Cut X, iPhone X and SpaceX? XXX, huh?

I drove past a solar panel installation shop, but there were no solar panels on the roof. I’m not shopping there.

A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y and sometimes Pluto.

It’s one thing to get snubbed for an award but another thing for the “In Remembrance” video.

The next NBC musical should be Alice Cooper in Wonderland.

Remember, JebsBush.com is a totally different website.

Her dating app profile says she’s new in town, but she has sunglasses on in all her pictures. I’m starting to think she may just be on the run.

 

 

One Liners: Dating Apps, Social Media, Chuck E. Cheese, the Pulitzer Prize, & More!

It’s the social media era. Our heroes, have gone from role models to troll models.

This homeless guy on the train is the human form of talk radio. He’s covered everything from the government to Porzingas. I’m just waiting for the weather.

Forget dating apps. How about a break-up app? Swipe left; it’s over.

Facebook is launching a dating app? I thought Facebook was a dating app!

I’ve been on these dating apps for about two weeks now, and so far, my credit score is still the same. I don’t get it either.

Politics are like a rap battle. One minute your dissing each other, the next minute you’re doing albums together.

There’s a Pulitzer Prize for criticism. This is ironic in a world where everyone gets gets a trophy.

Sean Hannity: I only used Michael Cohen once, but I did not inhale.

This diet is great! I’m so hungry now, I’m eating more than before I went on it. 

On my dating app profile I listed “Will book Chuck E. Cheese Band for our wedding.” Too much or nah? 

 

Cashier Confident One Plastic Bag Can Hold Two Cartons Of Milk

Elgin, IL – With an assured grin and a positive head nod suggesting he has done this before, 17-year-old cashier Joe Blum is confident one plastic bag will hold two cartons of milk. “You got this Mrs. Seagle. You got this,” confirms Blum as his direct eye contact gives hope to his paying customer, 71-year-old Mrs. Ellen Seagle. “I’m so money with this. It’s all about leverage, torque, and grip. You hold the bag right in the center of the handles and stay balanced on your feet. One bag gets the job done. The customer is happy. The environment is happy.” At press time, Mrs. Seagle was on her way back to the store to buy two new cartons of milk.

Derek Jeter Trades Himself Back To Yankees To Help Marlins Turn Things Around

Miami, FL – “El Capitan” himself  Derek Jeter has made another footnote in his short tenure as Miami Marlins owner with a blockbuster deal that trades himself back to the New York Yankees in order to help the Marlins turn things around. “I’m a team-first guy as you know, and I made certain when I became owner of the Marlins, I would do everything necessary to get this franchise back on the right track,” announced Jeter while buttoning up his pinstripes and securing his old Yankees cap still soaked with the sweat of victory. “It’ll be nice to come back home to the Bronx where I won’t be booed. They’re pretty tenacious down there in Miami. For a minute I thought I was in Boston! Will be nice to see Girardi agai- … wait, what do you mean he’s not the manager?”  At press time, Jeter was frantically looking to see if could back-date his trade papers to April 1st.