EXTRA! EXTRA! JUST EXTRA HEADLINES! 7-11-19

NotoffthePress Extra Extra

STOP THE PRESSES! HERE ARE SOME EXTRA HEADLINES FOR JULY 11TH, 2019:

 

FULL WATER BOTTLE KNOWS YOU SPENT MOST OF YOUR WORKOUT ON THE PHONE.

 

BALDING MAN IN DENIAL HE CAN’T GROW KICK ASS BEARD

 

TD BANK TELLER EATS ALL THE LOLLIPOPS ON HER FIRST DAY.

 

NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR USING PAPER SHREDDER AT 3AM

 

FAMILY DECIDES TO GO CAMPING FOR THE WEEKEND WHILE DOG BUSY CHASING ITS TAIL

 

CLARK KENT STILL UNRECOGNIZABLE AS SUPERMAN EVEN AFTER SWITCHING TO CONTACTS.

 

HOPING TO BREAK EVEN, NEW YORK KNICKS TO START SEASON WITH -82 LOSES

 

FLORIST BUYS SOME PLANTS TO SPRUCE UP THE OFFICE

 

MECHANIC ADMITS CHECK ENGINE LIGHT MEANS YOUR CAR SECRETLY RECORDED YOU SINGING SHOW-TUNES

 

ASSISTANT NEVER TOOK CLOTHES TO DRY CLEANERS. JUST SWAPPED OUT HANGARS INSTEAD.

 

 

 

 

 

ONE LINERS: SHERLOCK HOLMES, BUMBLE, STAR WARS, VEGETABLES, CAMPING & MORE!!!

Did Sherlock Holmes’ friends call him “Sherly”?

My upstairs neighbor must have changed her name to “Done”. Everyday I hear her on phone shouting, “I’m done! I’m done!!”

They never mentioned bathing in Star Wars. You’d think somebody would say, “I just fought dozens of drooling slimy alien monsters. I may want to go wash up.”

Bumble has changed from meeting singles to meeting specialty drinks and dogs. I also learned 50 new yoga poses today. 

I was going to take the bus to work, but it wouldn’t fit in my briefcase. 

“The Jersey Shore is the place to be this summer!” – Pollution

The original title George Lucas had for the Star Wars Christmas Special was Return of the Ugly Sweater That Aunt Gladys Bought. It was a bit wordy. 

My upstairs neighbors are into clogging, and I don’t mean the pipes. Actually, they do that too.

Not every lie is bad. For example, it’s a good thing say to yourself, “These vegetables are delicious.”

Everybody hates global warming until they go camping.

NOTP PODCAST: CHABLIS QUARTERMAN

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My guest this week  is stand up comedian/actor Chablis Quarterman! We talk about producing and performing in bringer shows, the advantages of having a solid work/life balance, and we even donated some recyclables to an old man collecting in the park! Going green, baby! Check out “The Demo Tape Show”  produced by Chablis at The Broadway Comedy Club!

NOTP PODCAST: CHRIS CALOGERO

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Happy 4th of July! My podcast guest today is stand up comedian Chris Calogero! We talk about his hilarious viral Twitter videos, budgeting your time to perform comedy, and wedding planning! Check out his show Not Quite Midnight on July 12th in Brooklyn (click here for tickets) and follow him on Twitter  at @RealChrisCal !!

Revolutionary War Saxophonist Sad He Was Left Out of “Spirit of ’76” Painting

76 Sax

Philadelphia, PA – Drooping his posture with a woeful melancholy expression, Revolutionary War saxophonist Nathaniel Irving Allengton was sad to learn he was left off the final version of The Sprint of ’76. “As I crossed hill and yonder dale, I felt the true calling of my duty to liberty and melody. Alas, I am forlorn to discover my smooth soulful tones  will cease over time as the others march on eternally through canvas,” proclaimed Allengton engulfed in his fate. “I mean damn, you don’t gotta be all dramatic, bro. I woulda kept you in if it was that big of a deal. Talk about a guilt trip!” stated Archibald Willard, painter of Spirit of ’76 who now can’t touch his Salisbury steak dinner. At press time, Allengton was on hill muttering something about Paul Revere forgetting to return him his riding bugle.

NOTP PODCAST: MO VIDA

 

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My guest this week on the Not Off The Press Podcast is stand up comedian Mo Vida! We talk about splitting time between performing in Denver and New York City,  hearing different points of view in comedy, and avoiding squirrel attacks in the park! Check out the show (and podcast) she co-produces called  The Black & White Cookie Show every third Friday of the month in Brooklyn!

The Audio Archives: Joe Piscopo & Jeff Norris

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From the archives, here’s my interview with Joe Piscopo and Jeff Norris from 2013. This was recorded after a Hurricane Sandy fundraiser.  The event benefited the family of the late Brick, NJ school teacher Vernon Hankins and Camp Osborne.  Thanks to them for their outstanding charitable efforts!