You wanna get right up to the urinal, pal. This is an office bathroom not the male revue! My absent minded friend’s birthday is coming up. He’s so forgetful, he plans his own surprise parties. Scott Pruitt asked staff to find him a new job. Scott Pruitt can always help Santa out by putting coal... Continue Reading →
One Liners: Koalas, Dominos Pizza, The Subway, Trump’s Border Wall, $11 Smoothies, Dad Bod & More!
I prefer to date women who don’t use the word “seriously” twice in the same sentence. It’s so hot outside the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs. At this point, we need a middle of the road President. We’re too divided, and we don’t know what’s true any more. Either that or a cute Koala bear.... Continue Reading →
One Liners: IHOb, Dennis Rodman, the North Korean Summit, the CIA, Justin Trudeau, and More!
Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore early for the North Korea Summit . Makes sense. Power forwards are normally down the court first anyway. I bet the Wilpons are anxious to find the Mets some North Korean pitching prospects. That's not Dennis Rodman; that's Trumps' attitude in human form. You know the one he was going... Continue Reading →
One Liners: Toto and Africa, Royal Wedding, Bartolo Colon, Sneezing with Atheists, Dating Apps, and More!
I like when you get a notification on these dating apps and you get all excited and then it’s just an update to their terms of of service. Don’t tease my emotions, Bumble!! I sneezed and somebody said God Bless You but he was an atheist so I feel it wasn't very sincere. What of... Continue Reading →
One Liners: OK Go, SpaceX, Alice Cooper, Solar Panels, & More!
OK Go is not a dating app for traffic cops. There a lot of these "super-tall" skyscrapers going up around the world. One day you won't need a spaceship to go the moon, just an elevator! The doctor said my cholesterol is slightly high. When it reaches Cheech & Chong status, I’ll worry. I heard... Continue Reading →
One Liners: Dating Apps, Social Media, Chuck E. Cheese, the Pulitzer Prize, & More!
It's the social media era. Our heroes, have gone from role models to troll models. This homeless guy on the train is the human form of talk radio. He’s covered everything from the government to Porzingas. I’m just waiting for the weather. Forget dating apps. How about a break-up app? Swipe left; it’s over. Facebook... Continue Reading →
One Liners: Project Runway, Lo Mein, Tupac, Rick Astley, & More!
What if Project Runway was a show about new airports? So Trump fired James Comey, the man who is investigating him. I did Nazi that coming. Those Lo Mein noodles were terrible. More like "Lo Meintenance" noodles if you ask me. I was listening to Tupac earlier on my Sony Woke-man. You’d think after 100+... Continue Reading →
One Liners of the Day: Toupees, Elevators, Mark Hamill, Bridezillas, iPhones & More!
I don't trust therapists with toupees. If they can't get over their insecurities then how am I going to get over mine? Not only did the elevator stop at every floor but it even stopped in between a floor just see what's good. I think it's time Lin-Manuel Miranda and Mark Hamill unite to create... Continue Reading →