One Liners: Aaron Boone, Skeletor, Dating Apps, Old Apartments, Clothes Pins, Sabermetrics, and More!

I’m going to start a dating app called Flakr so people won’t be disappointed when the date bails on you.

Aaron Boone’s managerial decisions have been tough this season. For example he was wondering what kind of grapes he should peel during the game and how many innings he can take a nap through. 

I live in an old apartment so, even when it’s clean it’s dirty. 

Sabermetric nerds be like: “Our math shows that walking is the key to winning a World Series.”

When it comes to art, at what point does modernism become outdated?

My dating strategy has shifted to standing on the sidewalk handing out flyers about myself.

I think Skeletor was mad because his face didn’t have skin.

The dating app Bumble has a premium account which costs extra money or just proof you own a yacht and deck shoes.

Things in NYC this have no meaning: Port Authority bus info, subway schedules, parking garage fee signs, affordable housing, and traffic safety rules for cyclists. 

There should be a clothes pin dispenser in every public bathroom. Just sayin’.

One Liners: Fourth of July, Nicki Minaj, Scott Pruitt, Urinals, Jason Voorhees, Dikembe Mutombo, and More!

You wanna get right up to the urinal, pal. This is an office bathroom not the male revue! 

My absent minded friend’s birthday is coming up. He’s so forgetful, he plans his own surprise parties. 

Scott Pruitt asked staff to find him a new job.  

Scott Pruitt can always help Santa out by putting coal in the bad kids’ stockings.

I saw an ad on Twitter for China’s state television. I blocked them so they know how it feels! So far that’s the CIA and China TV. Dikembe Mutumbo better be ready to get a finger wag. 

For Fourth of July this year, Nicki Minaj is setting off firetwerks. 

Townships down the Jersey Shore announced there will be no fireworks, but instead, they will be releasing a swarm of lightning bugs into the sky. 

Today’s forecast was hot with a chance of not making any light while taking a cab to job  number 2.

Jason Voorhees was just mad because he just wanted play hockey, but the lake wasn’t frozen during summer camp.

Why is the subway ride so looooooong?! I live in Brooklyn, not Delaware!

One Liners: Koalas, Dominos Pizza, The Subway, Trump’s Border Wall, $11 Smoothies, Dad Bod & More!

I prefer to date women who don’t use the word “seriously” twice in the same sentence. 

It’s so hot outside the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

At this point, we need a middle of the road President. We’re too divided, and we don’t know what’s true any more. Either that or a cute Koala bear. Something everybody likes.

I just saw Trump raising money for his border wall by selling candy on the subway. 

We need better mirrors for women to take selfies in front of because that toilet clashes with their shoes. 

I don’t have any kids but I do have dad bod. Where’s my neck tie??

The MTA will roll out a new payment system that will replace MetroCards. How about a no-pay system? And clean up the urine stench while you’re at it. 

Today’s bus ride is brought to you by the woman’s conversation behind me and the louder guy telling her to be quiet.

I bought a smoothie. It was $11. I don’t know why. It all just happened so fast.

Dominos Pizza is trash, but if they fix the subway, I will eat it for an eternity.

 

One Liners: IHOb, Dennis Rodman, the North Korean Summit, the CIA, Justin Trudeau, and More!

Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore early for the North Korea Summit . Makes sense. Power forwards are normally down the court first anyway.

I bet the Wilpons are anxious to find the Mets some North Korean pitching prospects.

That’s not Dennis Rodman; that’s Trumps’ attitude in human form. You know the one he was going to use for his North Korea Summit talks?

I’ll only eat these IHOb burgers if the buns are made from two pancakes.

How long before Crying Rodman replaces the Crying Jordan meme?

Justin Trudeau’s eyebrow didn’t fall off. To paraphrase Jay-Z “Is it ever gonna fall off? Noooo.”

Who got around more: The Beach Boys or Tupac?

I follow the CIA on Twitter just so they can see how it feels

Has anyone successfully gone on a second date from a dating app and if so, how much did you beg?

Drew Brees should play Dr. Who Dat.

One Liners: Toto and Africa, Royal Wedding, Bartolo Colon, Sneezing with Atheists, Dating Apps, and More!

I like when you get a notification on these dating apps and you get all excited and then it’s just an update to their terms of of service. Don’t tease my emotions, Bumble!! 

I sneezed and somebody said God Bless You but he was an atheist so I feel it wasn’t very sincere.

What of a band called Africa made a song called “Toto”?

Good pick up for the Mets. Although, to get Jose Bautista, they had to make room on the IR. 

Bartolo Colon is so old his full name was “Colony” before it was changed when came to America on the Mayflower. Or something.

You know you’re a sneaker head when you watch old TV shows from the 80s and look at the sneakers and wonder if they’re making those again.

We already had a royal wedding when Jay-Z married Beyoncé.

I don’t know, I feel shorter lately. Anybody else get that?

I feel like we men have a better shot at getting laid by texting pictures of the food we cooked instead of dick pics .

It’s only noise when you’re trying to be quiet. Other than that it’s just sound. #profound

One Liners: OK Go, SpaceX, Alice Cooper, Solar Panels, & More!

OK Go is not a dating app for traffic cops.

There a lot of these “super-tall” skyscrapers going up around the world. One day you won’t need a spaceship to go the moon, just an elevator!

The doctor said my cholesterol is slightly high. When it reaches Cheech & Chong status, I’ll worry.

I heard a rumor the Apple wants to buy SpaceX. So, they’ll have Final Cut X, iPhone X and SpaceX? XXX, huh?

I drove past a solar panel installation shop, but there were no solar panels on the roof. I’m not shopping there.

A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y and sometimes Pluto.

It’s one thing to get snubbed for an award but another thing for the “In Remembrance” video.

The next NBC musical should be Alice Cooper in Wonderland.

Remember, JebsBush.com is a totally different website.

Her dating app profile says she’s new in town, but she has sunglasses on in all her pictures. I’m starting to think she may just be on the run.

 

 

One Liners: Dating Apps, Social Media, Chuck E. Cheese, the Pulitzer Prize, & More!

It’s the social media era. Our heroes, have gone from role models to troll models.

This homeless guy on the train is the human form of talk radio. He’s covered everything from the government to Porzingas. I’m just waiting for the weather.

Forget dating apps. How about a break-up app? Swipe left; it’s over.

Facebook is launching a dating app? I thought Facebook was a dating app!

I’ve been on these dating apps for about two weeks now, and so far, my credit score is still the same. I don’t get it either.

Politics are like a rap battle. One minute your dissing each other, the next minute you’re doing albums together.

There’s a Pulitzer Prize for criticism. This is ironic in a world where everyone gets gets a trophy.

Sean Hannity: I only used Michael Cohen once, but I did not inhale.

This diet is great! I’m so hungry now, I’m eating more than before I went on it. 

On my dating app profile I listed “Will book Chuck E. Cheese Band for our wedding.” Too much or nah?