Last August’s Calendar Photo Hoping to Remain as Apartment Wall Art

Everett, WA – Fearing the inevitable with the arrival of a new year, a determined calendar photo representing last August is hoping to remain on the wall as art for the apartment. “With this being a new year, I fully realize my services are no longer needed. But it’s undeniable how much the tenant loved that I evoked the summer with my palm trees and surfing waves,” argued the 10×10 picture of a small beach from Maui. “I mean, yeah, throw away December because no one wants to look at reindeer year-round, and who really cares about the cliché person holding an umbrella for April? But I can not only look good on a wall; I can motivate someone to just live life, bro.” At press time, the tenant was unboxing a paper shredder after hanging up his new poster of a California beach.

Customer Service Rep Unlikely Hero After Pronouncing Customer’s Last Name Correctly on First Try

Flagstaff, AZ – With a rousing applause and cheers echoing to the farthest corner of the building, the call center for a mattress delivery warehouse found it’s unlikely hero as 32-year-old Katie Chen pronounced customer Mary Sue Seznetchszcy’s last name correctly on the first try. “We’ve run across that last name a few times this past month, and no one could even come close to saying it right,” explained Al Forman who was still in apparent shock over his co-worker’s triumphant accomplishment. “I feel a change has finally come to us here. It’s like Katie is the savior we needed but didn’t deserve. I may quit drinking during my lunch breaks.” At press time, Katie Chen was trying to remember how she said Mary Sue’s Seznetchszcy’s last name to be ready when she calls back.


Next Two Slices Of Bread Too Arrogant To Realize They Will Be Used For Mere Cheese Sandwich

Bridgeport, CT – While boasting prematurely about their destiny to be a part of a deli-style inspired lunch with all the trimmings, the next two slices of white bread let arrogance blind them from realizing they will be used merely for a cheese sandwich. “We’re going to go down in history as the slices that made it to top. I’m thinking we’ll be joined with peppercorn turkey, a rare imported French gouda, and a spicy deli mustard that costs over $12 a jar,” bragged the top slice with a hubris not seen from bread since their owner bought multigrain rye. “Don’t forget kale as replacement for the lettuce coupled with the thinnest cut of southern Italian tomatoes,” followed the bottom slice moments before being pulled from the store brand bag. At press time, the owner of the bread was busy not eating the crust while chewing the cheese sandwich with fat free mayonnaise.

Mobster Wants To Know If Victim In Trunk Can Feel Air Conditioning

Brooklyn, NY – Concerned about the overall humidity and temperature in his ’87 Lincoln Continental, sweaty mobster Mario “Three Thumbs” Cambrizzi, yelled back to the kidnapped informant in the trunk of his car to make sure he could feel the air conditioning. “Hey Paulie, can you feel the AC back there? You want I should turn it up higher?” shouted the thoughtful yet sociopathic Cambrizzi while on his way to take care of that thing for his crime family before the trial. “Sometimes the fans don’t reach the back, and I gotta jiggle the knobs to get it working. Paulie, let me know. Paulie… Paulie?” At press time, Paulie couldn’t be reached for comment or for much of anything.