Manalapan, NJ – Despite what the calendar companies printed for June 21st, summer officially started three days prior as a Facebook friend complained how hot it was outside. “Ughhh, it is so hot outside I don’t even feel like moving!” Facebook friend Jessica McCare tapped away on her phone’s keypad before mistakenly adding a teary-eyed laughing emoji thinking it was a sweating emoji. “Dude, this weather is so not cool… like literally bro, not cool at all! Yo honestly, I can’t drive to the gym in this heat,” replied another Facebook friend Mark Metchin who was also the first to declare winter by stating how “freaking lame-ass cold” it was outside back on November 12th. At press time, the temperature dipped back to 72 degrees, and summer was just confirm over on SnapChat.
Bridgeport, CT – Believing this was his best and most likely last shot to make the trip smoother, 57 year-old bus driver Harry Latimer promised a sing-a-long if the commuters behave. “Now listen everyone, if we can all just settle down and be quiet, I promise for the rest of the trip we can sing ’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’ or even ‘The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round'”, exclaimed the desperate and frail Latimer who was one step away from turning the bus right back around. “And if everyone is really good, I will do a drive-thru run at McDonald’s. How does that sound?” At press time, Latimer could be seen sprinting across Route 130 while being pelted with Chicken McNuggets.
New York, NY – Braving the downpour with a William Wallace-like stare of shear courage and ferocity, 48-yr-old accountant Stuart Anderson marched down 6th Ave. with his inside-out $10 umbrella determined to get his money’s worth. “No rains can stop us from forging ahead to the promise land! Our journey is the story they will all tell for years to come! We will not yield nor be smote in our pursuit of destiny!” shouted a riled up Anderson as he strode ahead of fellow pedestrians who he assumed would follow his lead. “I will lead you! Keep moving forward! I won’t stop… Ah dammit, that was puddle! Now my sock is wet through my shoe. Fuck this thing! Stupid-ass bodega umbrella!” At press time, the inside-out umbrella was rescued to be reused as a public art piece in SoHo.
Milford, DE – Counting down the footsteps until walking into her sister-in-law’s newly furnished living room, Ashley Hughes couldn’t wait to passive- aggressively tell her brother’s wife Kate how bad her decorating was. “Kate, I just love what you’ve done with the place considering you had so much time extra to think about it. I can tell you didn’t use a professional. That’s so… ‘daring’ of you,” said Hughes as a Grinch-like smile curled around her face like a mustache on a barbershop quartet singer. “You know Kate is almost like the sister I never had. Of course, if I had a sister, her sense in color would not be comparable to Puff Daddy video.” At press time, Kate was sorry not sorry for “accidentally” adding ipecac to Ashley’s frozen daiquiri and then “running out” of Tampax.
Elgin, IL – With an assured grin and a positive head nod suggesting he has done this before, 17-year-old cashier Joe Blum is confident one plastic bag will hold two cartons of milk. “You got this Mrs. Seagle. You got this,” confirms Blum as his direct eye contact gives hope to his paying customer, 71-year-old Mrs. Ellen Seagle. “I’m so money with this. It’s all about leverage, torque, and grip. You hold the bag right in the center of the handles and stay balanced on your feet. One bag gets the job done. The customer is happy. The environment is happy.” At press time, Mrs. Seagle was on her way back to the store to buy two new cartons of milk.
Miami, FL – “El Capitan” himself Derek Jeter has made another footnote in his short tenure as Miami Marlins owner with a blockbuster deal that trades himself back to the New York Yankees in order to help the Marlins turn things around. “I’m a team-first guy as you know, and I made certain when I became owner of the Marlins, I would do everything necessary to get this franchise back on the right track,” announced Jeter while buttoning up his pinstripes and securing his old Yankees cap still soaked with the sweat of victory. “It’ll be nice to come back home to the Bronx where I won’t be booed. They’re pretty tenacious down there in Miami. For a minute I thought I was in Boston! Will be nice to see Girardi agai- … wait, what do you mean he’s not the manager?” At press time, Jeter was frantically looking to see if could back-date his trade papers to April 1st.
Queens, NY – Surprised by their National League leading 13-5 record so far, the New York Mets ensured everyone that despite the great start to the season, they’re confident they can still let the fans down. “We know what we’re capable of, and we know we can still be disappointing, ” stated GM Sandy Alderson to a flock of reporters who breathed a sigh of relief. “Listen we’re the Mets. And if there is one thing we do best is let down the fans. This offseason we did everything to ensure disaster and we promise to deliver.” Mets fan Sal from Ozone Park had this to say, “This makes perfect sense because at Christmas, I bought my kid a Mets-themed calendar, and it only went up to mid-July. At least I know hell hasn’t froze over. ” At press time, Mr. Met was seen handing out discount passes to Flashdancers gentleman’s club.