I like when you get a notification on these dating apps and you get all excited and then it’s just an update to their terms of of service. Don’t tease my emotions, Bumble!! I sneezed and somebody said God Bless You but he was an atheist so I feel it wasn't very sincere. What of... Continue Reading →
Man With Inside-Out $10 Umbrella Determined To Get His Money’s Worth.
New York, NY - Braving the downpour with a William Wallace-like stare of shear courage and ferocity, 48-yr-old accountant Stuart Anderson marched down 6th Ave. with his inside-out $10 umbrella determined to get his money's worth. "No rains can stop us from forging ahead to the promise land! Our journey is the story they will... Continue Reading →
Sister-In-Law Can’t Wait To Passive-Agressively Tell Her Brother’s Wife She’s Bad At Decorating
Milford, DE - Counting down the footsteps until walking into her sister-in-law's newly furnished living room, Ashley Hughes couldn't wait to passive- aggressively tell her brother's wife Kate how bad her decorating was. "Kate, I just love what you've done with the place considering you had so much time extra to think about it. I... Continue Reading →
One Liners: OK Go, SpaceX, Alice Cooper, Solar Panels, & More!
OK Go is not a dating app for traffic cops. There a lot of these "super-tall" skyscrapers going up around the world. One day you won't need a spaceship to go the moon, just an elevator! The doctor said my cholesterol is slightly high. When it reaches Cheech & Chong status, I’ll worry. I heard... Continue Reading →
One Liners: Dating Apps, Social Media, Chuck E. Cheese, the Pulitzer Prize, & More!
It's the social media era. Our heroes, have gone from role models to troll models. This homeless guy on the train is the human form of talk radio. He’s covered everything from the government to Porzingas. I’m just waiting for the weather. Forget dating apps. How about a break-up app? Swipe left; it’s over. Facebook... Continue Reading →
Cashier Confident One Plastic Bag Can Hold Two Cartons Of Milk
Elgin, IL - With an assured grin and a positive head nod suggesting he has done this before, 17-year-old cashier Joe Blum is confident one plastic bag will hold two cartons of milk. "You got this Mrs. Seagle. You got this," confirms Blum as his direct eye contact gives hope to his paying customer, 71-year-old... Continue Reading →
Derek Jeter Trades Himself Back To Yankees To Help Marlins Turn Things Around
Miami, FL - "El Capitan" himself Derek Jeter has made another footnote in his short tenure as Miami Marlins owner with a blockbuster deal that trades himself back to the New York Yankees in order to help the Marlins turn things around. "I'm a team-first guy as you know, and I made certain when I... Continue Reading →
Mets Confident They Can Still Let Down Fans Despite Great Start
Queens, NY - Surprised by their National League leading 13-5 record so far, the New York Mets ensured everyone that despite the great start to the season, they're confident they can still let the fans down. "We know what we're capable of, and we know we can still be disappointing, " stated GM Sandy Alderson... Continue Reading →
Couple Looking For New Home Ask If Crawl Space Is Good Enough To Hide Bodies.
Chandler, AZ - Feeling almost certain this may just be the right house to start their lives together, newlyweds Chad and Britney Caleia ask the realtor if the crawl space is good enough to hide the bodies. "We want to make sure we have enough space. We plan on having a few kids, and I'll... Continue Reading →
Tired Ceiling Fan Reminds Homeowners They Have Air Conditioning.
Freeport, NY - Exhausted from a long sweltering day of endless spinning in the blistering summer heat, a tired ceiling fan reminded the homeowners they have air conditioning. "Guys! Please... for the love of humanity... turn on the goddamn air conditioner!!! You installed the damn thing for this very reason!" exclaimed the desperate ceiling fan... Continue Reading →