One Liners: Casual Friday, Emojis, Chipotle, Steven A. Smith, the Tour de France and More!!!

I liked to know what casual Friday is like at the Playboy offices.

The funny part about Spike Lee backing young filmmakers is that they all gentrified his neighborhood.

I can’t keep up with modern society. I just typo’d an emoji.

There shouldn’t be such a thing as potato salad. You can’t make a salad out of the same stuff you make French Fries from.

Sales of legal marijuana in Colorado have reached over $200 mil. You know the country is broke when it has to start selling weed to pay the bills!

Stephen A. Smith says things as if nobody believes him.

I try to buy Halloween costumes that I can get some real life use out of after.

They should combine Chipotle with speed dating: “White Rice or brown? And are you into pottery?”

Jamal Charles should just merge his name into “Jamarles”.

I’ll care more about the Tour de France when they use unicycles.

One Liners: Birdbox, Scaffolding, Sherlock Holmes, Black Friday, #AMA, Star Wars, & More!

Birdbox is about not being able to see. So to honor the film, I won’t watch it.

The concept of “force projection” in the Star Wars universe is the equivalent to working from home in ours. 

I feel guilty that I’m on my phone too much. So instead of Siri I have “Sorri”. 

Why is it “gubernatorial” race? Why can’t it be “governortorial” race? 

Dating is hard. Not only am I competing for her attention from other people but also from dogs! Don’t think so? When was the last time a woman cried for no reason when you passed them on the street?

I don’t care what you say. If Sherlock Holmes had a car, he’d still lose his keys.

I saved the most money on Black Friday by not buying anything.

I did my own #AMA.  The only question I was asked was, “Why are you doing this ?”

I don’t trust somebody who says “I’m as honest as the day is long” on the day we turn the clocks back.

Maybe one day they’ll tear down all the buildings in New York and just replace them with scaffolding… If that’s not what they’re doing already.

 

Driver’s License Photographer Really Pushing It With That Squeaky Toy

DMV

Queens, NY –  Frozen in a stone-face pose while leering with eyes filled with the fury of seventh layer of hell, 42-year-old William Whitmore really thinks the driver’s license photographer is pushing it with that squeaky toy. “I just need to renew my freakin’ license!! I swear to every sacred artifact on this planet, if this guy squeezes that damn purple elephant and asks ‘who wants a peanut?’ one more time, I will shove that camera where the flash won’t shine!” exclaimed a fire engine red-faced Whitmore to himself. “Alrighty! Look right here! Quick… what does the elephant say? Pfffftttttt!!! Pfffttttttt!!!! Oops! Got a little spit on ya. Okay, smile!!” announces Jimmy Blake right before he snaps his twelve picture. At press time, William Whitmore was posing for an overly excited mugshot photographer playing peek-a-boo.