One Liners: Joe Biden, LEGOs, Escape From New York, Amazon Drones, the NYC Subway & more!

“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on smart phone made by science.

When they reboot Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?

The other day I was all itchy. Think it was from my last batch of laundry. Maybe something in the laundromat? I’m just gonna wash my clothes in Benadryl from now on. 

I’m hoping Amazon Drone technology could be used to carry medicine to poor countries and not just to deliver your “like new” copy of Eat Pray Love.

Irony would be learning the first Amazon Drone order is a copy of George Orwell’s 1984. 

Why is the subway ride so looooooong?! I live in Brooklyn, not Delaware!

I spent 20 minutes the other day trying to correct my friend that W. Houston Street is not “Whitney Houston Street”.

Today’s forecast was hot with a chance of not making any light while taking a cab to job number two.

At age 75, Joe Biden doesn’t mind if you think he’s too old to run for President. However, he does mind if you forget to give him a senior discount when Avengers 4 comes out.

Scene 1: A Bar

Priest: Jesus could walk on water.

Rabbi: Let’s see him walk across LEGO pieces.

 

One Liners: Bert & Ernie, Facebook, Batman, Poutine, Bloodhounds, & More!!

You have to give Bert and Ernie credit for being the first gay couple to gentrify a ghetto before it was cool.

I heard they were changing the name of Facebook to “See, I told you so.”

While ordering, I made the mistake of pronouncing two different Ns in “poutine”.

I fear for this country. I’m basing this on people’s lack of respect for public bathrooms.

DC Comics confirmed Batman is an atheist. If we are going to get technical, Batman isn’t real either… so there!

Thunder is just God’s way of saying “Get in the goddamn house!”

What if it was the San Diego TidePadres?

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French. Do I say,  “God bless you.”  or does she say “Pardon my French.”?

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

 

 

One Liners: Superman, Umbrellas, Mr. Ed, Robots, Bikes in NYC, Banksy, Plumbing, & More!

Superman is strong but I bet if he stepped on a Lego piece, he’d feel it.

I think they’re making umbrellas disposable and not telling anybody.

I wonder if the people who design my office’s plumbing knew the pipes were supposed to HOLLOW!!!

We all thought robots would be like Rosie from the Jetsons or R2-D2. But they’re more like the Terminator. I swear if they find out how many times I cursed out my appliances, I’m in trouble! 

So Ed was Mr. Ed’s last name?

I dunno, but after Banksy’s self destructing painting, we might have to call Scooby-Doo and the gang to find out who he really is.

These dating apps aren’t working out. I’m just going to have to meet girls the old fashion way… Stand in front of some fancy looking car and take a selfie and pretend it’s mine.

I overhead this guy have a conversation with somebody about the three types of entertainment. I’m going to venture a guess that his discussion doesn’t fall into any of the three categories.

BEFORE YOU GET A BIKE IN NYC: “I’m going save a lot of money plus it’s green for the environment and I’ll get a good workout.”

AFTER YOU GET A BIKE IN NYC: “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!! TRAFFIC LAWS DON’T APPLY TO ME!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

 

USPS Employee More Than Happy To Re-lick Your Envelope For You

Mailman tongue

Tacoma, WA – Smiling with a cheerfulness not seen since he was able to get his mail truck up to 30 mph on the highway, mail carrier Hank Armstrong was more than happy to re-lick Patti Miley’s envelope closed for her. “I know how tricky these things can be. You just gotta give it big old wet one!” declared Armstrong as his tongue hit the envelope like a tropical frog catching a dragonfly, “Ohhhh, this one tastes’s like strawberry too!” Standing by in state of disbelief as if she just saw Michael Jordan dunk from the foul line, Miley somehow managed to reply, “Actually, these particular envelopes have no flavor, but I ate a red Starburst candy right before I tried sealing the envelope.” At press time, Armstrong was attempting to slobber-close an entire box of records Miley’s neighbor was overnighting to Chicago.