I’m starting to realizing on these dating apps “Hi, you look different in all your pictures,” isn’t a good pick up line.
This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French.
Can bloodhounds get lost?
They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”.
If you’re going to genetically modify vegetables, please turn them into Oreos
Just cooked myself a real man’s dinner: steak, beans, mushrooms in an A1 sauce. Now, I’m gonna go chop a tree down with my bare hands.
“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on a smart phone made by science.
For the reboot of Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?
I wish Trump would just type his thoughts on Snapchat so it would go away.
I never make a New Year’s resolution to diet. Instead, I make an April Fools Day resolution to diet. So, when I screw it up, I can just tell everyone I was kidding.