One Liners: Bob Ross, TMNT, Rick Astley, Driver-less Cars, Marisa Tomei, the 10 Commandments, and More!

Marisa Tomei-tos isn’t a thing yet?

What if you mixed Rick Astley with Afroman? “Never gonna give you up… cuz I got high. Never gonna let you down… cuz I got high!”

Do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have a permit or a license to drive the party van? I mean they are teenagers.

I really don’t want them to make driver-less cars. Who am I going to give the finger to?

Coors’ slogan is “Not all history comes in books.” Meaning when you’re drinking Coors, you’ll have a memorable time. Of course, if you’ve been drinking the whole time, you won’t remember anything at all. Their slogan should be, “Here’s to a night you’ll never forget. Yes you will… Probably by morning.”

If I’m going to paint like Bob Ross, I’m going to need extra shifts at work. Paint is expensive and Titanium White goes fast.

We live in an age where we communicate more through texts, tweets, and other social media posts. The tone of the message can end up being lost. For all we know, God could have been sarcastic when he dictated the 10 Commandments.

I’m not giving you my phone number, Facebook. Why don’t you give me your number, and I’ll call you?

Figures. I can finally grow in the rest of my beard and it’s coming in grey. That’s what happens when you hit puberty in your mid 30s.

Don’t call me pal or buddy. Respect me as a man! Or you’re not invited to my birthday party.

 

One Liners: Oreos, Bloodhounds, Dating Apps, April Fools Day, Escape From New York, Sneezing, and More!!

I’m starting to realizing on these dating apps “Hi, you look different in all your pictures,” isn’t a good pick up line. 

This woman on the E Train just sneezed in French.

Can bloodhounds get lost? 

They should change the “Like” button on these dating apps to “Eh, I guess”. 

If you’re going to genetically modify vegetables, please turn them into Oreos

Just cooked myself a real man’s dinner: steak, beans, mushrooms in an A1 sauce. Now, I’m gonna go chop a tree down with my bare hands.

“These scientists don’t know what they’re talking about!” – Trump typing on a smart phone made by science.

For the reboot of Escape from New York, will it be about getting home during rush hour?

I wish Trump would just type his thoughts on Snapchat so it would go away.

I never make a New Year’s resolution to diet. Instead, I make an April Fools Day resolution to diet. So, when I screw it up, I can just tell everyone I was kidding.