One Liners: Koalas, Dominos Pizza, The Subway, Trump’s Border Wall, $11 Smoothies, Dad Bod & More!

I prefer to date women who don’t use the word “seriously” twice in the same sentence. 

It’s so hot outside the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

At this point, we need a middle of the road President. We’re too divided, and we don’t know what’s true any more. Either that or a cute Koala bear. Something everybody likes.

I just saw Trump raising money for his border wall by selling candy on the subway. 

We need better mirrors for women to take selfies in front of because that toilet clashes with their shoes. 

I don’t have any kids but I do have dad bod. Where’s my neck tie??

The MTA will roll out a new payment system that will replace MetroCards. How about a no-pay system? And clean up the urine stench while you’re at it. 

Today’s bus ride is brought to you by the woman’s conversation behind me and the louder guy telling her to be quiet.

I bought a smoothie. It was $11. I don’t know why. It all just happened so fast.

Dominos Pizza is trash, but if they fix the subway, I will eat it for an eternity.

 

Summer Officially Started When Facebook Friend Complained How Hot It Was Outside

Manalapan, NJ – Despite what the calendar companies printed for June 21st, summer officially started three days prior as a Facebook friend complained how hot it was outside. “Ughhh, it is so hot outside I don’t even feel like moving!” Facebook friend Jessica McCare tapped away on her phone’s keypad before mistakenly adding a teary-eyed laughing emoji thinking it was a sweating emoji. “Dude, this weather is so not cool… like literally bro, not cool at all! Yo honestly, I can’t drive to the gym in this heat,” replied another Facebook friend Mark Metchin who was also the first to declare winter by stating how “freaking lame-ass cold” it was outside back on November 12th. At press time, the temperature dipped back to 72 degrees, and summer was just confirm over on SnapChat.

Bus Driver Promises Sing-A-Long If Commuters Behave

Bridgeport, CT –  Believing this was his best and most likely last shot to make the trip smoother, 57 year-old bus driver Harry Latimer promised a sing-a-long if the commuters behave. “Now listen everyone, if we can all just settle down and be quiet, I promise for the rest of the trip we can sing ’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’ or even ‘The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round'”, exclaimed the desperate and frail Latimer who was one step away from turning the bus right back around. “And if everyone is really good, I will do a drive-thru run at McDonald’s. How does that sound?” At press time, Latimer could be seen sprinting across Route 130 while being pelted with Chicken McNuggets.

One Liners: IHOb, Dennis Rodman, the North Korean Summit, the CIA, Justin Trudeau, and More!

Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore early for the North Korea Summit . Makes sense. Power forwards are normally down the court first anyway.

I bet the Wilpons are anxious to find the Mets some North Korean pitching prospects.

That’s not Dennis Rodman; that’s Trumps’ attitude in human form. You know the one he was going to use for his North Korea Summit talks?

I’ll only eat these IHOb burgers if the buns are made from two pancakes.

How long before Crying Rodman replaces the Crying Jordan meme?

Justin Trudeau’s eyebrow didn’t fall off. To paraphrase Jay-Z “Is it ever gonna fall off? Noooo.”

Who got around more: The Beach Boys or Tupac?

I follow the CIA on Twitter just so they can see how it feels

Has anyone successfully gone on a second date from a dating app and if so, how much did you beg?

Drew Brees should play Dr. Who Dat.

One Liners: Toto and Africa, Royal Wedding, Bartolo Colon, Sneezing with Atheists, Dating Apps, and More!

I like when you get a notification on these dating apps and you get all excited and then it’s just an update to their terms of of service. Don’t tease my emotions, Bumble!! 

I sneezed and somebody said God Bless You but he was an atheist so I feel it wasn’t very sincere.

What of a band called Africa made a song called “Toto”?

Good pick up for the Mets. Although, to get Jose Bautista, they had to make room on the IR. 

Bartolo Colon is so old his full name was “Colony” before it was changed when came to America on the Mayflower. Or something.

You know you’re a sneaker head when you watch old TV shows from the 80s and look at the sneakers and wonder if they’re making those again.

We already had a royal wedding when Jay-Z married Beyoncé.

I don’t know, I feel shorter lately. Anybody else get that?

I feel like we men have a better shot at getting laid by texting pictures of the food we cooked instead of dick pics .

It’s only noise when you’re trying to be quiet. Other than that it’s just sound. #profound

Man With Inside-Out $10 Umbrella Determined To Get His Money’s Worth.

New York, NY – Braving the downpour with a William Wallace-like stare of shear courage and ferocity, 48-yr-old accountant Stuart Anderson marched down 6th Ave. with his inside-out $10 umbrella determined to get his money’s worth. “No rains can stop us from forging ahead to the promise land! Our journey is the story they will all tell for years to come! We will not yield nor be smote in our pursuit of destiny!” shouted a riled up Anderson as he strode ahead of fellow pedestrians who he assumed would follow his lead. “I will lead you! Keep moving forward!  I won’t stop… Ah dammit, that was puddle! Now my sock is wet through my shoe. Fuck this thing! Stupid-ass bodega umbrella!” At press time, the inside-out umbrella was rescued to be reused as a public art piece in SoHo.