Milford, DE – Counting down the footsteps until walking into her sister-in-law’s newly furnished living room, Ashley Hughes couldn’t wait to passive- aggressively tell her brother’s wife Kate how bad her decorating was. “Kate, I just love what you’ve done with the place considering you had so much time extra to think about it. I can tell you didn’t use a professional. That’s so… ‘daring’ of you,” said Hughes as a Grinch-like smile curled around her face like a mustache on a barbershop quartet singer. “You know Kate is almost like the sister I never had. Of course, if I had a sister, her sense in color would not be comparable to Puff Daddy video.” At press time, Kate was sorry not sorry for “accidentally” adding ipecac to Ashley’s frozen daiquiri and then “running out” of Tampax.
OK Go is not a dating app for traffic cops.
There a lot of these “super-tall” skyscrapers going up around the world. One day you won’t need a spaceship to go the moon, just an elevator!
The doctor said my cholesterol is slightly high. When it reaches Cheech & Chong status, I’ll worry.
I heard a rumor the Apple wants to buy SpaceX. So, they’ll have Final Cut X, iPhone X and SpaceX? XXX, huh?
I drove past a solar panel installation shop, but there were no solar panels on the roof. I’m not shopping there.
A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y and sometimes Pluto.
It’s one thing to get snubbed for an award but another thing for the “In Remembrance” video.
The next NBC musical should be Alice Cooper in Wonderland.
Remember, JebsBush.com is a totally different website.
Her dating app profile says she’s new in town, but she has sunglasses on in all her pictures. I’m starting to think she may just be on the run.
It’s the social media era. Our heroes, have gone from role models to troll models.
This homeless guy on the train is the human form of talk radio. He’s covered everything from the government to Porzingas. I’m just waiting for the weather.
Forget dating apps. How about a break-up app? Swipe left; it’s over.
Facebook is launching a dating app? I thought Facebook was a dating app!
I’ve been on these dating apps for about two weeks now, and so far, my credit score is still the same. I don’t get it either.
Politics are like a rap battle. One minute your dissing each other, the next minute you’re doing albums together.
There’s a Pulitzer Prize for criticism. This is ironic in a world where everyone gets gets a trophy.
Sean Hannity: I only used Michael Cohen once, but I did not inhale.
This diet is great! I’m so hungry now, I’m eating more than before I went on it.
On my dating app profile I listed “Will book Chuck E. Cheese Band for our wedding.” Too much or nah?
Elgin, IL – With an assured grin and a positive head nod suggesting he has done this before, 17-year-old cashier Joe Blum is confident one plastic bag will hold two cartons of milk. “You got this Mrs. Seagle. You got this,” confirms Blum as his direct eye contact gives hope to his paying customer, 71-year-old Mrs. Ellen Seagle. “I’m so money with this. It’s all about leverage, torque, and grip. You hold the bag right in the center of the handles and stay balanced on your feet. One bag gets the job done. The customer is happy. The environment is happy.” At press time, Mrs. Seagle was on her way back to the store to buy two new cartons of milk.