Miami, FL – “El Capitan” himself Derek Jeter has made another footnote in his short tenure as Miami Marlins owner with a blockbuster deal that trades himself back to the New York Yankees in order to help the Marlins turn things around. “I’m a team-first guy as you know, and I made certain when I became owner of the Marlins, I would do everything necessary to get this franchise back on the right track,” announced Jeter while buttoning up his pinstripes and securing his old Yankees cap still soaked with the sweat of victory. “It’ll be nice to come back home to the Bronx where I won’t be booed. They’re pretty tenacious down there in Miami. For a minute I thought I was in Boston! Will be nice to see Girardi agai- … wait, what do you mean he’s not the manager?” At press time, Jeter was frantically looking to see if could back-date his trade papers to April 1st.
Queens, NY – Surprised by their National League leading 13-5 record so far, the New York Mets ensured everyone that despite the great start to the season, they’re confident they can still let the fans down. “We know what we’re capable of, and we know we can still be disappointing, ” stated GM Sandy Alderson to a flock of reporters who breathed a sigh of relief. “Listen we’re the Mets. And if there is one thing we do best is let down the fans. This offseason we did everything to ensure disaster and we promise to deliver.” Mets fan Sal from Ozone Park had this to say, “This makes perfect sense because at Christmas, I bought my kid a Mets-themed calendar, and it only went up to mid-July. At least I know hell hasn’t froze over. ” At press time, Mr. Met was seen handing out discount passes to Flashdancers gentleman’s club.
Chandler, AZ – Feeling almost certain this may just be the right house to start their lives together, newlyweds Chad and Britney Caleia ask the realtor if the crawl space is good enough to hide the bodies. “We want to make sure we have enough space. We plan on having a few kids, and I’ll most likely have twins knowing my family history. So, a spacious crawl space will be perfect to hide the bodies,” said and eager Britney Caleia while holding duct tape and folding up a large plastic drop cloth. “I’m always away ‘painting houses’ if you know what I mean. So, it’ll be nice to come home to a big house and have a separate space if I need to bring work back with me. Plus, having the extra space means I can turn the den into a man cave instead,” followed an enthused Chad Caleia as he took off his leather gloves and locked up his metal suitcase. At press time, the realtor was seen in dark sunglasses on a park bench whispering to a man in a government-issued suit only known as “Deep Throat”.
Freeport, NY – Exhausted from a long sweltering day of endless spinning in the blistering summer heat, a tired ceiling fan reminded the homeowners they have air conditioning. “Guys! Please… for the love of humanity… turn on the goddamn air conditioner!!! You installed the damn thing for this very reason!” exclaimed the desperate ceiling fan on the breaking point of making like a drone and flying away. “Honey, how does AC thing work? Do you plug it in? Does it take water?” asked a befuddled Jerry Pevney to his wife Myrna who was actually away at her sister’s until the winter months. At press time, the ceiling fan was spotted hiding in the freezer between the two-month-old pack of frozen broccoli and tinfoil-covered roast beef leftovers .
Tysons, VA – Followed by a huge sigh of relief from future tenants as they dab the sweat off their foreheads, TechCom CEO George Bakersoll announced the company’s new office building will feature urinals that don’t bite. “With the changing times, comes changing technology, and I feel this effort will lead our company in the 21st century,” declared a proud Bakersoll waving to the crowd with his tiny hands. “What the hell is he talking about?! This isn’t even a thing. How am I going to mark this in the books?” asked Tim Alonzo, head of accounting and future whistleblower. At press time, Bakersoll is planning an elevator without a trap door.
Seattle, WA – Tenaciously hitting the send button to message his former mates with one hand while holding his tambourine in the other, Brian McBride seems to be the only one making an effort to get the band back together. “I was waiting for my unemployment check when it hit me – I need to get the band back together. I got the shakes in my hand, and the only way to settle them is with my Tambo. That’s short for tambourine,” explained the 47-year-old McBride who was currently cleaning out his parent’s basement to move in to. “I make six figures as a stock broker. Why the hell would I want to play in my high school band? Is he crazy?” stated James Parlee, the former lead guitar player and current owner of two mansions, a yacht and close friend to Richie Sambora. “I’m partially deaf from playing the drums and also can’t sing any more from my old smoking habit. Would be fun, but I enjoy coaching my daughter’s youth soccer team, and my wife won’t let me. I also forgot we had a tambourine player,” said Chris Hernandez, former drummer and lead singer and current soccer-dad extraordinaire. At press time, McBride was asking his parents to borrow the car for the weekend.
Brick, NJ – Frozen in his tracks with the uncertainty of a frightened deer, Dr. Leonard Ramsey, DDS, was completely baffled by his patient’s joke about how smart her wisdom teeth were. “He just had this bank stare on his face like he was posing for his own wax statue. It was as if he has never heard a joke before. I think he took it quite literally,” said a perplexed Jaclyn Mills who was still waiting for her cleaning to commence. “I usually use it as an ice breaker because dentist visits make me nervous, but I think I trapped this guy in some sort of parallel universe. Maybe there’s some key word I can say to snap him out of it like in the movies. ” At press time, Dr. Ramsey’s left eye may have blinked when Mills yelled out the word “handkerchief”.
Washington D.C. – After sadly being named the new VA Secretary, former Trump doctor Ronny Jackson’s first order business was for some reason determining that all veterans are 6’3″, 239 lbs. “Oh really? That’s the same height and weight I announced for the president? Wow, that’s… uhh… pretty amazing, right? Well, those were my numbers. It’s not like I just use the same numbers I randomly make up for everything. Ha! Imagine if I did that? Funny right? … Guys?” stated the red-faced Jackson who apparently isn’t qualified to play poker either. “In all my years of medicine, I’ve never witnessed a doctor given an opportunity he or she was clearly unqualified and inexperienced for… Unless you count Ben Carson.” said Dr. Richard Adams, chief of staff at Howard University Hospital and Persian Gulf Veteran. At press time, Jackson was trying to determine what color lollipops he should keep in his office next to the fake plant by the window and oversized fish tank with only two fish in it.
Cranston, RI – Stranded all alone on a hard plastic and quite uncomfortable table at a local McDonald’s, a stack of unused napkins is about to get a second life as garbage. “I’m not using those. They’re going right in the trash. I don’t know what the person who left them there did to them. They could be diseased!” exclaimed Nancy Gleib who was about to sit down to eat a Fillet-O-Fish, large Diet Coke, large fry, and a 10-piece McNugget with Sweet and Sour sauce. “They may look new and safe but you gotta be careful because you can catch germs from touching other people’s leftover stuff. I gotta think about my health.” At press time, Gleib was getting an alert on her phone reminding her she is one hour late for her cardiologist appointment.
What if Project Runway was a show about new airports?
So Trump fired James Comey, the man who is investigating him. I did Nazi that coming.
Those Lo Mein noodles were terrible. More like “Lo Meintenance” noodles if you ask me.
I was listening to Tupac earlier on my Sony Woke-man.
You’d think after 100+ yrs of motor vehicles and mass transit we’d figure out how to deal with snow on the ground.
What if you mixed Rick Astley with Afroman? “Never gonna give you up… cuz I got high. Never gonna let you down… cuz I got high.”
My name spelled backwards is the same except I don’t face you when I spell it.
If we could use the same effort it takes to leak new albums and spoil summer movies to expose corruption and terrorism, the world would be a safer place.
I feel like The Walking Dead is based off the time it takes me to get to the bathroom after I get out of bed.
You wouldn’t need a museum a native culture if you didn’t wipe it all out. There’s no museums on the suburbs of New Jersey.