Miami, FL - "El Capitan" himself Derek Jeter has made another footnote in his short tenure as Miami Marlins owner with a blockbuster deal that trades himself back to the New York Yankees in order to help the Marlins turn things around. "I'm a team-first guy as you know, and I made certain when I... Continue Reading →
Mets Confident They Can Still Let Down Fans Despite Great Start
Queens, NY - Surprised by their National League leading 13-5 record so far, the New York Mets ensured everyone that despite the great start to the season, they're confident they can still let the fans down. "We know what we're capable of, and we know we can still be disappointing, " stated GM Sandy Alderson... Continue Reading →
Couple Looking For New Home Ask If Crawl Space Is Good Enough To Hide Bodies.
Chandler, AZ - Feeling almost certain this may just be the right house to start their lives together, newlyweds Chad and Britney Caleia ask the realtor if the crawl space is good enough to hide the bodies. "We want to make sure we have enough space. We plan on having a few kids, and I'll... Continue Reading →
Tired Ceiling Fan Reminds Homeowners They Have Air Conditioning.
Freeport, NY - Exhausted from a long sweltering day of endless spinning in the blistering summer heat, a tired ceiling fan reminded the homeowners they have air conditioning. "Guys! Please... for the love of humanity... turn on the goddamn air conditioner!!! You installed the damn thing for this very reason!" exclaimed the desperate ceiling fan... Continue Reading →
New Office Building Promises Urinals That Don’t Bite
Tysons, VA - Followed by a huge sigh of relief from future tenants as they dab the sweat off their foreheads, TechCom CEO George Bakersoll announced the company's new office building will feature urinals that don't bite. "With the changing times, comes changing technology, and I feel this effort will lead our company in the... Continue Reading →
Tambourine Player Only One Making An Effort To Get The Band Back Together
Seattle, WA - Tenaciously hitting the send button to message his former mates with one hand while holding his tambourine in the other, Brian McBride seems to be the only one making an effort to get the band back together. "I was waiting for my unemployment check when it hit me - I need to get the band back... Continue Reading →
Dentist Baffled By Patient’s Joke About How Smart Her Wisdom Teeth Are
Brick, NJ - Frozen in his tracks with the uncertainty of a frightened deer, Dr. Leonard Ramsey, DDS, was completely baffled by his patient's joke about how smart her wisdom teeth were. "He just had this bank stare on his face like he was posing for his own wax statue. It was as if he has never heard a joke before. I think he took it quite literally,"... Continue Reading →
New VA Secretary Ronny Jackson Somehow Determines All Veterans Are 6’3″, 239lbs.
Washington D.C. - After sadly being named the new VA Secretary, former Trump doctor Ronny Jackson's first order business was for some reason determining that all veterans are 6'3", 239 lbs. "Oh really? That's the same height and weight I announced for the president? Wow, that's... uhh... pretty amazing, right? Well, those were my numbers.... Continue Reading →
Unused McDonald’s Napkins Left Behind On Table Get Second Life As Garbage
Cranston, RI - Stranded all alone on a hard plastic and quite uncomfortable table at a local McDonald's, a stack of unused napkins is about to get a second life as garbage. "I'm not using those. They're going right in the trash. I don't know what the person who left them there did to them.... Continue Reading →
One Liners: Project Runway, Lo Mein, Tupac, Rick Astley, & More!
What if Project Runway was a show about new airports? So Trump fired James Comey, the man who is investigating him. I did Nazi that coming. Those Lo Mein noodles were terrible. More like "Lo Meintenance" noodles if you ask me. I was listening to Tupac earlier on my Sony Woke-man. You’d think after 100+... Continue Reading →