Malibu, CA – Sitting at his desk just staring blankly at his office phone, Dr. Mark Witherfield, a specialist that only pantomimes his surgeries is seeing a drastic decline in patients. “For a while there, it seemed to be going good. I was finally able to combine true medical and performance arts.” claims Dr. Witherfield, a John Hopkins graduate who is also a graduate of Clowns Without Borders. “I don’t get it. It worked for Patch Adams. Plus, surgery is actually pretty gross. This seemed like a win-win for me.” At press time, Dr. Witherfield was being sued for pretending to pull a string of tied handkerchiefs out of a patient’s gallbladder.