Laurel, MD – With the rage of a scorned Greek goddess and eyes blazing of brimstone fire, 15-year-old Vicky Whitley’s defense of her inner most secrets proved that this high school freshman’s diary has better security than the nation’s cyber data. “Oh my God, Billy, if you even think about opening my diary I swear I will scream for mom! I’m gonna kill you! Give it back, Billy! Get out of my room!! Mommmm!!!” screeches the high school freshman as her piercing scream causes her diary to drop out of her older brother’s hand. “We’ve never see anything like it. If we can harness her power, we can protect the nation’s most sensitive data from foreign agents, hackers, and terrorists!” exclaimed an awestruck Richard Bergen of the NSA. At press time, Vicky can’t even with Bobby Ford because he’s being a jerk, but she wants him to ask her to the movies.
Malibu, CA – Sitting at his desk just staring blankly at his office phone, Dr. Mark Witherfield, a specialist that only pantomimes his surgeries is seeing a drastic decline in patients. “For a while there, it seemed to be going good. I was finally able to combine true medical and performance arts.” claims Dr. Witherfield, a John Hopkins graduate who is also a graduate of Clowns Without Borders. “I don’t get it. It worked for Patch Adams. Plus, surgery is actually pretty gross. This seemed like a win-win for me.” At press time, Dr. Witherfield was being sued for pretending to pull a string of tied handkerchiefs out of a patient’s gallbladder.
New York, NY – After yelling out phrases that would make Larry Flynt blush, construction worker, James “The Big Wrench” Klein was completely baffled when a woman he cat-called showed him interest. “I’ve been whistling, barking, and yelling out to broads for the past 17 years and not one has ever hollered back. What do I do next?” asked a befuddled Klein while turning to his coworkers for answers. “She was supposed to keep walking after giving me the finger. I got a wife and three kids. I can’t actually do the things I said!” At press time, the woman offered to at least buy him a change of work pants to hide is visual embarrassment.
Hillsboro, OR – Reluctant to come forward with the real truth, a cracked wall-length mirror didn’t have the heart to tell its owner he will really have 70 years bad luck. “For so long, people thought a cracked mirror only meant 7 years bad luck. It’s actually 70 years, but like myself, mirrors just can’t bring themselves to correct the error,” commented the 1’x4′ mirror that hangs behind a bedroom door. “I mean, the good news is that this guy will get an extra 70 years tacked onto his life, but they’ll be pretty shitty. Who puts a mirror behind a door anyway?” At press time the mirror’s owner was about to step on gum while walking under a hanging piano.
Staten Island, NY – Despite having a face that looked redder than a fresh tomato, an embarrassed 32-year-old Chris Seagle, fought valiantly to play off his fart as a noise coming from his brand new gym sneakers. “Dude, I just bought these kicks last night at the mall, bro. I gotta break ‘em in, dude! They’re gonna make noise,” argued Seagle loudly who also tried to play off the fact his gym crush was behind him on the treadmill. “He tried so hard to be cool, but no one was buying it. He even went on to say how he only ate rice before his work out and rice is actually a natural bicarbonate,” laughed his friend Pete while taking down the girl on treadmill’s number. At press time, Chris Seagle was on the gym floor playing off stomach cramps as some kind of way of doing crunches sideways.
Milford, DE – After the egregious results from a recent study proved the high amount of harmful bacteria it can give off, a public restroom air dryer now simply just coughs on patron’s hands. “We’re not fooling anyone anymore as a more sanitary way to dry people’s hands. So, we might as well go all out and be childishly gross,” stated a fed-up air dryer representing the air drying community. “It’s actually quite freeing to be who you really are: a disgusting, unsanitary, disease spreader. I think we can be an inspiration to others who wear the false veil of cleanliness.” At press time, a man was seen making funny faces by inflating his cheeks with the air dryer to impress his fellow coworkers.
Everett, WA – Fearing the inevitable with the arrival of a new year, a determined calendar photo representing last August is hoping to remain on the wall as art for the apartment. “With this being a new year, I fully realize my services are no longer needed. But it’s undeniable how much the tenant loved that I evoked the summer with my palm trees and surfing waves,” argued the 10×10 picture of a small beach from Maui. “I mean, yeah, throw away December because no one wants to look at reindeer year-round, and who really cares about the cliché person holding an umbrella for April? But I can not only look good on a wall; I can motivate someone to just live life, bro.” At press time, the tenant was unboxing a paper shredder after hanging up his new poster of a California beach.
Flagstaff, AZ – With a rousing applause and cheers echoing to the farthest corner of the building, the call center for a mattress delivery warehouse found it’s unlikely hero as 32-year-old Katie Chen pronounced customer Mary Sue Seznetchszcy’s last name correctly on the first try. “We’ve run across that last name a few times this past month, and no one could even come close to saying it right,” explained Al Forman who was still in apparent shock over his co-worker’s triumphant accomplishment. “I feel a change has finally come to us here. It’s like Katie is the savior we needed but didn’t deserve. I may quit drinking during my lunch breaks.” At press time, Katie Chen was trying to remember how she said Mary Sue’s Seznetchszcy’s last name to be ready when she calls back.
Bridgeport, CT – While boasting prematurely about their destiny to be a part of a deli-style inspired lunch with all the trimmings, the next two slices of white bread let arrogance blind them from realizing they will be used merely for a cheese sandwich. “We’re going to go down in history as the slices that made it to top. I’m thinking we’ll be joined with peppercorn turkey, a rare imported French gouda, and a spicy deli mustard that costs over $12 a jar,” bragged the top slice with a hubris not seen from bread since their owner bought multigrain rye. “Don’t forget kale as replacement for the lettuce coupled with the thinnest cut of southern Italian tomatoes,” followed the bottom slice moments before being pulled from the store brand bag. At press time, the owner of the bread was busy not eating the crust while chewing the cheese sandwich with fat free mayonnaise.
Brooklyn, NY – Concerned about the overall humidity and temperature in his ’87 Lincoln Continental, sweaty mobster Mario “Three Thumbs” Cambrizzi, yelled back to the kidnapped informant in the trunk of his car to make sure he could feel the air conditioning. “Hey Paulie, can you feel the AC back there? You want I should turn it up higher?” shouted the thoughtful yet sociopathic Cambrizzi while on his way to take care of that thing for his crime family before the trial. “Sometimes the fans don’t reach the back, and I gotta jiggle the knobs to get it working. Paulie, let me know. Paulie… Paulie?” At press time, Paulie couldn’t be reached for comment or for much of anything.